​Jezebel's Advent Calendar of Crap, Day 1: Fifty Shades of Grey

Perhaps you are familiar with the holiday tradition of the advent calendar, with each new day until Christmas containing some sort of treat (or, if your parents were religious sticklers, a verse from the Book of Luke). But, of course, Jezebel is a palace of heresy, so instead we’re presenting
you with an advent calendar of terrible pop culture events that, like some doomsday weapon with a broken control mechanism, we cannot stop. It’s the only advent
calendar for the hater in your life!

Our first installment: Fifty Shades of Grey. Unfortunately, it seems there’s no stopping it now, because the movie just started principal photography today with an Instagram snapshot from E.L. James and this cringeworthy line from Perez Hilton: “No more foreplay! No more safe words!”

Not to be a sexual pedant, but safe words generally remain in effect throughout, or they’d be pointless, now wouldn’t they?

This is a drag for so, so many reasons. First of all, America is really
tired of discussing BDSM with our aunts/book clubs/strangers at the
laundromat. But with the movie currently scheduled to hit theaters on Valentine’s Day, 2015 (Jesus, guys), this national conversation will be dragged out another year. That means a steady stream of updates from the set, more awkward chats at generation-spanning dinner parties and, of course, another endless round of think pieces about fan fiction—with hardly any of it bothering to examine the more fucked-up dynamics at play in the story.

Don’t think the frenzy will end there, either. Variety says the producers are considering two versions: An R-rated cut acceptable to mainstream movie audiences, and later a raunchy NC-17 version for devoted fans. The only thing that sounds less appealing than a hardcore Fifty Shades is a toned-down take. What the hell’s the point of that?

Plus everything that’s insufferable about this series and its protagonist will only be magnified by putting it on film. At least your eyes can skim “inner goddess” and “freakin’ hot” and dear God the endless lip-biting while you’re reading. But you just know the inescapable trailers will packed with that crap. Not to mention that frankly, Christian Grey looks less dom, more cookie-cutter MBA.

But there’s no stopping this now. All we can do is comfort ourselves with the knowledge that Pat Robertston is probably having a full-on end-of-times freakout about this.

Please do submit your nominations for further entries in our advent calendar of crap in the comments below.

Photo Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images