Photo: Getty

For no particular reason, I spent my morning writing down the things that Bill Clinton probably loves: Billionaires, major media mergers, the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996, and giving speeches. To begin my next speculative list—“What Does Bill Clinton Hate?”— Page Six reported that an East Hamptons boutique hotel was besieged by the former president’s apparent distaste for things that make noise and are loud. According to the outlet, Bill and Hillary Clinton cozied up with a bespectacled Jon Bon Jovi for dinner at the Maidstone Hotel Friday evening. Shortly after storming the dining room, Bill demanded that the hotel DJ’s musical ruckus cease.

From Page Six:

“Bill asked the staff to turn down the music as the late-night music scene was just beginning because there were still people having dinner [and their table was deep in political discussion]. They were told ‘no’ by the DJ. The wait staff was pleading with the DJ to turn down the music, but the DJ wasn’t having it.”

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Desperate to know the exact song that incurred the famous husband’s wrath, I immediately called The Maidstone for comment. The receptionist informed me a Spotify playlist (a standard procedure) was in use when the Clintons arrived—something the original report in Page Six hadn’t mentioned. As for specifics on the song in question, or the DJ helming the evening, my helpful new friend was unable to give specifics: “Sorry, I wasn’t there that night.”

In a cursory search through Spotify’s cumbersome interface, I stumbled on a playlist bearing the name “Maidstone.” I took note of the user’s other playlists: “Charlotte” “Warwick” “Exeter” “Neptune” “231217.” A curious collection, but having seen both National Treasure movies, I’m more than qualified to decipher the hidden clues on the treasure map before me.

A quick Google search confirmed that Charlotte, Warwick, and Exeter are the names of luxury hotels across the world. DJs frequently party in these places! Page Six also reported that The Maidstone has been hosting events promoting “late-night vibes” around 10 p.m. each Friday—right around when the Clintons arrived with Jon Bon Jovi. Mystics have long claimed that the planet Neptune governs fantasies and creativity—a perfect recipe for such vibes. “231217” is a Christmas playlist featuring Daft Punk, Erasure, and Primal Scream—a questionable selection for casual holiday festivities, but a perfect selection for a DJ hosting a holiday party on December 23, 2017. (Various reviews on The Maidstone’s TripAdvisor page also mention a “fantastic” Christmas celebration at the establishment each year.)

Screenshot: Spotify

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My journey was short, but like Nicolas Cage clutching an ancient and crumbling map, my conclusion is strong: I’m near-confident that the above playlist was heard by The Maidstone’s patrons Friday night. So which song did Bill Clinton hate the most?

A brief inquiry in the Jezebel Slack produced conflicting answers. One of my coworkers boldly asserted that Hot Chip would have any sensible person evacuate the dance floor. Various others joined together in a chorus of voices claiming that the jangly “Home” by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros [sic] wouldn’t sit well with Clinton. Personally? My guess is with St. Vincent’s “Los Ageless”—irony and metaphor seem lost on both him and his wife. We might never know the answer, but when has that ever stopped us from wildly speculating?