Jezebel Inquires: Mommy Blog Drama! Kardashians in Khaos! Jane Fonda's Stylish New Prison Handcuffs!

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things, like how Jane Fonda made prison handcuffs the hot fall trend, and what exactly Tori Spelling stuck in that Target shopping cart.

Let’s get gossiping!

Hot Gossip:

The most egregious story this week comes from Life & Style, who rudely calls hibachi grill burn victim Tori Spelling’s Target shopping excursion a “reality check.” While certainly hounded by innumerable debtors and vultures, there is absolutely nothing wrong with shopping at the “more expensive Walmart,” as my mom still says. However, it does worry me that the 90210 reboot—which the Greeks sometimes referred to as Deus Ex Machina—was officially cancelled by Fox. Maybe now’s the time to follow my mom’s advice, Tori!

Nefarious sources inside Kris Jenner’s Fit Tea Federation also tell Life & Style that denim baroness Khloe Kardashian is “extremely jealous” of former teenager Sofia Richie. Seeing as she’s still dating known creep Scott Disick, Khloe has been forced to walk more and more red carpets alongside the model slash instagram user slash generational wealth beneficiary. The magazine claims it’s made Khloe “self-conscious” about herself, which seems unlikely. I doubt narcissus had much time in between admiring himself to feel self-conscious! If I were Khloe, I’d be more weirded out that my sister’s baby daddy is dating my alternate-timeline self.

Speaking of the Fit Tea Federation, Star reports that trouble is brewing between lip kit executive Kylie Jenner and her cabal of SKIMS-enshrouded sisters. Sources tell the magazine that the “Rise and Shine” songwriter is growing tired of her family leaching her success, especially with the recent makeup launches from KKW Beauty and Poosh. It’s not especially fresh gossip, but it does lead me to wonder: How long it will take the big finance daddies at NBC-Comcast-Universal to effectively teach Kris what “vertical integration” means?

Elsewhere, In Touch has a disturbing blind item about a “former” heartthrob forbidden from coming out because of his family. I’ll keep my probably right guess to myself—for the obvious reasons.

“This former teen idol sex symbol who starred in a huge film franchise wants to come out as gay, but his father has such a hold on him that it looks like he’ll never step out of the closet. His two former co-stars have become a-listers, but his once promising career has pretty much tanked.”

Horny Time

Everything that’s new is old, and will eventually be new again! Like Us Weekly’s report that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have stayed in touch since their breakup in 2019. Seems fine! Meghan King Edmonds, though, is anything but. Sources tell Us Weekly that it’s been a horrific month for the former Real Housewives of Orange County star as she deals with her cheating, soon-to-be ex-husband Jim Edmonds. Two weeks ago, Meghan accused him of having inappropriate relationships with their nannies. In a blog post titled “Broken,” she wrote:

Out of respect for my children and my family, I find it unnecessary to go into all the gritty details. What I will say is that, in the wake of the sexting situation, my husband was drinking and partying with much younger women, including several of our babysitters, and I found this gallivanting inappropriate, immature, and downright odd. […] To be clear, I don’t know if Jim slept with our babysitter or whether they were just being exceedingly inappropriate by hanging out socially without either of them telling me (and Jim expressly lying to me about it).

In a statement to the tabloid after the post began circulating, Jim confessed he was saddened “tremendously” by his actions, and that he was looking to move on and find “peace, normalcy, and the ability to move forward in a healthy and happy direction.” Meghan later rebuked this, telling Us:

“I have to say that when he gave the ‘nice’ interview a few days ago, he was completely speaking for me. At that time I had not exchanged one text message with him and I have still not spoken to him on the phone. […] I have endured prolific controlling by Jim and it isn’t slowing down.

Three days after that interview was published, Jim called the cops on his wife after she had gone out with friends, telling them he didn’t believe in her ability to healthily take care of their children. (What was it that she said about his controlling behavior?) Us reported that when the cops arrived at their residence, police questioned Meghan if she was “comfortable and capable of taking care” of the children, to which she responded: “Of course, yes!” The police agreed, and left. Jim later told the magazine: “I did not call the police on my wife. I called the police to protect the situation and make sure there were no further issues.” Stay safe, Meghan! (And fuck off, Jim.)

In lighter news, Meg Ryan has officially split from John Mellencamp. Having only barely followed this relationship in the form of side-conversations Andy Cohen had with Teddi Mellencamp at Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunions, there isn’t much to say! Sources tell Star that it began to fall apart when he insisted on staying close to home in Indiana, while Meg yearned for New York City. Sounds reasonable. I’m mostly worried for John’s daughter Teddi, whose position on the Housewives seems predicated on her proximity to Meg Ryan and her father’s relationship. Let’s hope Andy finds a new celebrity fixation before this time next year!

What the Fuck Did She Wear?

Original flavor Jessie J, Jenna Dewan, wore an average, lavender set from Alice + Olivia, but I enjoyed the crystal shoes! Mandy Moore was cursed with too much under-eye shadow, Elizabeth Hurley rummaged around a box labeled 2010 for a Dolce and Gabanna lace ensemble, and Jennifer Lopez winked away the strangely draped, mustard yellow mess she wore to the Governors Awards. I’d also like to highlight the contrast between Alexa Chung and Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s Erdem dresses: While the white and black print drowns out Chung, the slopes elegance of the shoulders and well tailored compliment Mbutha-Raw beautifully. Take the hint, celebrities: The difference is always in the styling!

I’m much more enamored by Rosamund Pike’s insistence on dressing like a murderous art dealer from a Tom Ford film. Her leather-trimmed Proenza Schouler halter dress would be rather basic if not for the cutout just below the navel, made more severe by the dress’ leather corset. Phenomenal! I’m concerned for Jameela Jamil’s safety, seeing as Prabal Gurung dressed her with an actual ostrich, but I hear she recently hired a stylist. Congrats! Janelle Monáe and Cynthia Erivo stunned in matching Marc Jacobs. The fringe made to look like blooming flowers is absolutely breathtaking, but the real standout is Monáe’s crystal encrusted updo. Inspired! I also spent more time than I should have deciding if Chloe Bridge’s army green plissé pants and top combo horrified me, or entranced me. I still haven’t figured it out. And as for Kerry Washington’s bedazzled pants, or Sarah Jessica Parker’s cozy sweats and slippers? I’ll have whatever they’re having!

Party Girls

Cara Delevingne partnered with Samsung to help the brand’s customers send their selfies into space, saying: “I sent my face to space, and now many space pioneers will follow.” Sure! Rick Owens, seemingly having nothing better to do, escorted Kanye West in double denim and hideous sneakers down the red carpet at the Fashion Group International Night of Stars Gala. Emma Thompson and Michelle Yeoh, meanwhile, ogled Emilia Clarke’s breasts at the Last Christmas premiere.

Lea Michele, bubbling with holiday cheer, passed out cookies to anxious fans in Union Square to promote her new Christmas album. Jane Fonda, the only good person on the planet, was arrested at a climate change protest. Strange bedfellows Lil Jon, Erik Christensen, Mario Lopez, Natalie Martinez, and Dania Ramirez posed together at a Hard Rock Cafe. Kristen Chenoweth partied with Santa Claus. Angela Kinsey rocked out with the Original HP Garage in Palo Alto, California “to discuss the importance of balancing her digital and real worlds.”

Shit Talking

• Jonathan Van Ness, on his only marketable talent: “I text really fast. The noise my fingers make as I text rapidly makes me feel very driven and smart. Go to a bathroom and be very quiet and type on your phone quickly. Feels so smart.” [Life & Style]
• California’s worst governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, on being jealous of his daughter’s boyfriend: “I was like, blown away when [Katherine] was telling me she was going out with [Chris Pratt]. Bevause, I say to myself, ‘Do you have to be so competitive? Do you have to have a guy that’s taller than me? That is bigger than me? That is doing bigger movies than me?” [Ok!]
• Matthew Koma, on wanting to have sex with his wife Hilary Duff’s childhood television role as Lizzie McGuire: “I can’t wait to role play.” [Us Weekly]
• Paul Rudd, on cancelling himself: “I don’t like mustard or ketchup. I don’t like mayonnaise, really. I don’t like condiments.” [Life & Style]
• Jessica Biel, on wanting to work in a morgue so she can look at bones: “I’m fascinated by the human body, the anatomy, I want to see the muscles… show me the bones.” [Ok!]
• Nicole Kidman, on Charlize Theron’s love languages: “She has a bawdy sense of humor, and a great deep, husky love. Which I find really alluring.” [Life & Style]