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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

J.Lo Suggests Everyone Alive Is Too Old to Play Her in a Movie

Talk to your doctor about potentially carrying the fetus that will one day play J.Lo in her biopic.

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Photo: Kevork Djansezian (Getty Images)

As is inevitable for famous women with impressive real estate investments, Jennifer Lynn Affleck née Lopez was hunted down by Vogue camera crews and forced to tour her Los Angeles home for its73 Questions” series. While she only showed us her kitchen, backyard, and recording studio, she did name-drop Tom Waits as the artist she wants to cover (would hand over an entire month’s paycheck to witness that,) and mentioned Thich Nhat Hanh as the perfect bathtub reading. But most importantly, when she was jovially asked who would play her in a movie about her life, she scrunched her nose, considered it for a second, and declared, “She hasn’t been born yet.”

73 Questions With Jennifer Lopez | Vogue

I’m sorry to say but if you’re alive right now, you’re too old to play J.Lo. Nope, not even a teething tot is eligible to eventually be cast as Mrs. Jennifer Lynn Affleck née Lopez. Sorry babies. Sorry teenage aspiring starlets. Sorry women in their 80s hoping to play future-J.Lo in a flash-forward scene where she pictures Ben and her recreating The Notebook. J.Lo has combed through the talent that’s currently available on this blue marble and decided no one’s up to par for the part.

Frankly, the moment, which is around 3:33 in the clip (angel number fanatics, do you have chills?!) was ominous—like a seer looking far into the future. Not only does every living Latina actress hoping to portray Jenny from the block need to pack their bags and throw away their dream, but every person pregnant with a baby should heed J.Lo’s warning. Her predecessor is nigh. The chosen one shall reveal themselves soon. Their prenatal heartbeat is getting...loud.

Are you prepared to birth and raise the woman who will have the immense responsibility of conveying the life of Jennifer Lynn Affleck née Lopez? The yet-to-be-born star will have to be an incredible dancer, a naturally gifted actor, and have an on-stage charisma that lets us all sort of ignore that they don’t have the best vocals, but are a pretty OK singer!! Get on the waitlist for dance and music classes, now, New York City preschool style, before the baby is even born. Personally, as a future audience member of said biopic, I am looking forward to the scene right before she reunites with her one true love Ben Affleck where she screams “let’s get loud” in the middle of “America The Beautiful.”

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I really do hope the child is born soon so that she and J.Lo can form a mentor-mentee bond. It’s essential that J.Lo have a hand in choosing her, and while the star does look timeless by-the-grace-of-olive-oil-not-Botox, she is over half a century old. That kiddo needs to pop out before the next World Cup if they’re gonna get to work.