JC Chasez of NSYNC Forms Girl Group with Approx. One Billion Members

Let me start this post off by saying: you’re welcome. You are very welcome for the knowledge-gift I’m about to bequeath upon you, which is that JC Chasez of NSYNC has created something he terms “the first Supermassive American Girl Group!” The group is called “Girl Radical.” And Supermassive it is.

Here it is, straight from the mouth of the person JC Chasez hired to write the Girl Radical website:

Inspired by the trend of giant girl groups in Japan, JC Chasez… and Golden Globe-winning, Grammy-nominated songwriter Jimmy Harry… searched for talent from all walks of life to assemble a phenomenal ensemble of singers, dancers, and personalities. The result was not just another pop group, but a game-changing wild card in modern music.

These sweethearts are earning love from fans across the world, singing and dancing their way onto airwaves and computer screens all over. They are a community of dreamers who support one another and are always looking for new ways to express themselves. Part girl group, part flash mob, and all personality: Girl Radical is so much more than just another band.

Part flash mob. Part flash mob. Not only is my group of singing and dancing dreamers a supermassive girl band, we may also be found breaking into spontaneous choreographed routines in public places where the people congregated least expect it! Take, for instance, this:

Just me and my shiny-haired girlfriends, all clad in Forever21 and statement accessories, sitting sideways on our subways seats while someone films us. SURPRISE! WE ARE ACTUALLY A FLASH MOB! WE ARE GIRL RADICAL. (Everyone on the train drops their books in shock and admiration. Girl Radical had taken them completely unawares.)

I will say this for Girl Radical: it’s refreshing and wonderful to have such a diverse group of young women so openly tout the values of acceptance and female friendship — all they do is laugh and hug and say they’re a family! It’s nice! And some of them do have pretty nice voices. But, on the other hand, nothing in all of recorded history has made me experience second-hand embarrassment as intensely as watching Girl Radical videos has.

More Girl Radical facts in this shame-vein: each member actually changed her last name to “Radical” — not legally, but also maybe legally. Part of their job is to pretend like JC Chasez is still a relevant pop culture figure and treat him with fawning adulation, which is frightening (OVERLORD JC CHASEZ DEMANDS TRIBUTE). Here’s another fun fact: according to the Girl Radical website, Jessica Radical “had an NSYNC bobblehead when she was little…a miniature version of none other than JC!” Ahh! Crazy! Only not really. JC is a relevant cultural figure, guys, remember? In addition, Girl Radical’s first music video is… really something else.

From my highly scientific study of all available media, I’ve gleaned the following requirements for membership in this radical supermassive group of JC’s design: must look good in sparkly eyeshadow. Must have hair. Must be comfortable doing quirky “fake moustache” stuff in front of a camera. Must be capable of spontaneous generation (MORE GIRLS KEEP APPEARING OUT OF NOWHERE, I AM SERIOUS).

If you need me, I will be at the notary public legally changing my name to Callie Radical.