J. Crew CEO Blames Tanking Sales on Underwhelming Cardigans

On Thursday, J Crew executives had the unpleasant task of explaining to investors why sales are plummeting. Luckily, they’ve found the perfect scapegoat.

According to Quartz, J. Crew CEO Mickey Drexler says the problem wasn’t the store’s steady Jenna Lyons-helmed creep away from affordability, nor was it a widely unpopular change in design and manufacture of a popular ballet flat. It was sweaters. Specifically, cardigan sweaters with WASP names, none of which (whom?) could live up to the crushing expectations of its wealthy and highly respected parent.

Drexler dropped some hints as he elaborated on the company’s misses, referring to knitwear—cardis and beyond—by specific style names.

“We missed the following in sweaters: Perfect Cardigan; the Tippi, we didn’t buy enough; we made a big mistake in the Tilly, Perfect V and the Perfect Crewneck—we had a Perfect Crew and it sold out early,” Drexler said.

“We bought too much of the Tilly, which was a relative of the Tippi.”

Drexler then took a sip of Chardonnay and stared off into space, absently fingering a statement necklace of kumquat-sized pearls.