It's the Least Fuck-Worthy Time of the Year

If you’ve not been told already, Christmas is this week, a mere three days away. The chestnuts are ready to roast, Jack Frost is fit to nip at your nose, and the tiny little tots’ eyes are already a’glowing. Whether you’ve finished your shopping or not, the day is coming. Do you know what will not be coming? You, probably.

Researchers suggest that Christmas is the least likely time of year for people to be getting their balls jingled and posit that New Year’s Eve is the sexier winter holiday. “Christmas carries a lot of work,” Kate Boyer, an academic who studies human geography at Cardiff University, told The Guardian. Specifically, Boyer said, it’s the intense labor that goes into Christmas—work primarily done by women—that makes the holiday so unsexy: With all the time spent getting the home and family ready, there simply isn’t enough time to get a little holly jolly into one’s partridge in a pear tree underwear.

But these researchers seem to be overlooking one key factor in the de-sexification of the month of December: Baby Jesus. No shade, but Jesus often ruins everything, especially libido-related, a fact I know to be true from the lifetime I spent in the Catholic school system. The only thing that is more unsexy than walking into a person’s room and finding a crucifix is finding a replica of the Baby Jesus, swaddled in a manger, illuminated at the center of an Etsy nativity scene.

As a former celebrator of Christmas, I recall hauling out the nativity every year, even long after we’d replaced the baby Jesus with a snowman ornament. I understand the lure. After all, Jesus was allegedly born on Christmas day and it is logical that the spirit of his mother whispers into people’s ears that she wants photos and images of her baby boy strewn about the home. But when one is getting hot and heavy the last thing you want to imagine is a baby, whether that baby be Christ-like or not.

When you put Baby Jesus on display you’re not just displaying his all-knowing baby eyes, you’re including all the other people that attended Jesus’ sip and see. You’ve got his parents, three wise men, a kid who brought his sheep and a drum, along with a bunch of other animals. In some instances, there’s also an angel casually perched above the manger which is another set of holy eyes just waiting there to judge you.

How can anyone perform like that?

Suddenly the war in Christmas makes perfect sense. People don’t want to take the Christ out of Christmas because they hate religion, they just want to put the sex back in Xmas. Who can fault anyone for that? Perhaps this year is not the best one to take up the cause. But when Christmas 2021 rolls around we need to all come together, as peoples of different creeds, to put the fuck back in Festivus, the sex in Xmas, the come in Kwanzaa, and the humping in Chanukah. Happy sexless holidays and a horny new year!