It's So Stressful That My Parents Own 2 Football Teams

I’m going through a lot.

You probably know my sister. She was the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Me? I’ve been around too. I’ve had guest roles in Brokeback Mountain and Entourage. I once did a four-episode run on Nip/Tuck as a cheerleader whose boyfriend got circumcised. Lots of people remember that. I’m pretty famous in Hollywood, and for the most part, that’s really nice. If only the rest of my life was that perfect.

I don’t even know where to begin. My family is kind of a big deal. On daddy’s side, we own the New York Giants, thanks to great-grandpa Tim. And on mother’s side, we own the Pittsburgh Steelers, thanks to great-grandpa Art. It might seem like a miracle that my parent’s marriage contract was finalized at all, but it all went according to my family’s design, to protect our lineage. Mother used to tell me that great-grandpa Rooney, in his later years, would go into fits of rage, and scream at the nurses: “The government is going to steal all my money!” He didn’t even tell anyone when he and great-grandpa Mara drafted the marriage agreement.

But that’s ancient history. For once, I would like things to be about me.

These days, it’s actually very stressful to be the child of football team owners. Game days are the worst, because daddy and mother always fight, even when the teams aren’t playing. Sometimes daddy would let me come with him to the locker room, to tell all the nice football men how bad of a job they were doing. Except, it always smelled like farts in there. I haven’t farted since I was six because of it. I actually broke up with my college boyfriend in the family jet because he let one loose on the way to Ibiza.

But the worst part was how much money there was—and still is, I guess—to count and stack and spend all the time. Poor people might think that $100 million dollars is a lot of money, and it is. Mommy and daddy have boats and planes and jets and mansions and villas and islands and cars and spaceships, and they still have more to spend. I hear they are now in talks to buy the moon.

If only that was enough.

My whole life is about being a famous actress. And when it’s not, my whole life is about being an heir to the largest football fortune in America. It’s just a lot of pressure! And then I go on these talk shows, and they casually joke about the Giants and the Steelers, and how “stressful” game day must be for me. But they don’t still smell the locker room farts in their sleep. They don’t have nightmares that a pile of money is going to bury them alive one day. They don’t know how many vacations and birthdays and helicopter rides I lost out on because of football, or how much money I now have to spend just to feel healthy, and alive, and happy.

Football is my family’s whole life. But it is also my curse. Yes I’m famous, yes I’m rich. Yes, I am a woman trying to figure it all out. I just wish everyone would respect how complicated that is for me.