It's Kristen Stewart's Birthday, So We're Going to Briefly Focus On That

Photo Credit: Getty Images

My babes, today is a day for celebration. On April 9, in the Year of Our Lord 2017, Kristen Stewart—our newly shorn, fuzzy-headed seductress—turns 27. And that, to me, seems reason enough to focus on how extremely hot and talented she is.

Disclaimer: if you, for whatever reason, are not fond of Kristen Stewart, then I’m afraid you’ve clicked on the wrong blog post. There’s nothing for you here, and my devoted heart will not apologize for that. Keep moving along—the rest of us will catch up after we’ve had our moment.


So anyway, Kristen. Today is her birthday, and as such, she deserves some kudos. Perhaps you discovered her early, in the Twilight films. Having never read the books, nor seen the movies, I am not among you. I made her acquaintance while watching Adventureland, a severely underrated film that happens to be one of my favorites. It will call to mind the aimless summers between college, when we were working shitty jobs, waiting for something else to happen—and yet wondering if this was as good as it would ever get. Kristen delivers a simmering performance as Em Lewin, a college student wading through the muck of her own anger, self-doubt, and boredom.

I also highly recommend her in Clouds of Sils Maria, where Kristen delivers a more reserved performance—she does that so well—as Valentine, personal assistant to an aging actress. The erotic energy between Valentine and Maria (Juliette Binoche) crackles and hums, so if you harbor warm feelings for either woman, consider this your warning.

Oh, and then she gave us this gift, together with the angelic Jenny Lewis.

But many of us are still recovering from her February 4, 2017 appearance on Saturday Night Live, or rather, the night every queer girl rejoiced, sobbed, and blew into a paper bag. For starters, SNL offered us these gifts:

Photo Credit: NBC/Saturday Night Live

Oh my sweet goodness. Let’s check out the full ensemble.

Photo Credit: NBC/Saturday Night Live

What blessings have been bestowed unto us!

And of course you recall her monologue, in which she adorably dropped the f-bomb and made that brief, but magnificent remark: “I’m, like, so gay dude.”


Go ahead, relive the moment when your heart stopped, but was reanimated by Kristen’s electric charm.

Her turn as a Shane McCutcheon-esque ingenue was also a hilarious, sexy delight.

Happy Birthday, K-Stew. I have nothing to offer but my undying affection—and that you already have.

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