It's G7 Class Picture Time and Everybody Looks Like a Dork

Friday marks day one of the G7 summit, the annual meeting of world leaders from the seven largest so-called “advanced economies” (and representatives from the European Union) who spend a weekend vibing about money, climate change, and money some more. While last year’s summit was virtual due to the covid-19 pandemic, this year’s is in person and taking place on the dreary English shore of Cornwall. Paradise.

But perhaps a year apart from the ordinary meet and greets threw some of the leaders off, because looking at the official G7 class photo, everyone either appears mildly constipated or like they’re posing for a magazine cover (okay, that last part only describes Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau).

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

Here we have Boris Johnson, on his home turf and feeling especially virile after a week spent trying to look big and bad. On Monday, The Guardian reported that Johnson prefers not to refer to the alliance between the United States and the United Kingdom as a “special relationship,” phrasing that has been used by American presidents and British Prime Ministers since the Churchill era.

From The Guardian:

[An Atlantic] article cited an unnamed prime ministerial aide saying that in an early call with Biden, Johnson said he did not appreciate “special relationship”, used by the US president, because to Johnson it seemed needy and weak.

Johnson’s spokesperson said: “The prime minister is on the record previously saying he prefers not to use the phrase, but that in no way detracts from the importance with which we regard our relationship with the US, our closest ally.”

In other words, “special relationship” is some beta-male shit. Johnson insists on being an alpha, which is why he is now proposing referring to this alliance as an “indestructible relationship” instead.

From The Guardian:

“Look, I don’t mind the phrase ‘special relationship’ because it is special. But you know, it encompasses a reality which is that the UK and the US have a real congruence of views on some stuff that really matters to the world. And so we believe very strongly in democracy, we believe in human rights, we believe in the rules-based international order, we believe in the transatlantic alliance,” Johnson said.

Asked what he would call the connection between the two countries, he said, “you can call it the ‘deep and meaningful relationship’, whatever you want, the ‘indestructible relationship’. It’s a relationship that has endured for a very long time, and has been an important part of peace and prosperity both in Europe and around the world.”

This all feels like anxiety over the UK’s loss of empire and how that relates to Johnson’s sense of masculinity on the world stage. But I’m not here to psychoanalyze this man who seems incapable of wearing a properly fitting suit, I’m here to shitpost, so let’s move on.

Joe Biden, President of the United States

Biden, on his first foreign trip as president, looks… fine. His squinting makes me wonder if it was a particularly windy day on the beach, but otherwise, he looks like a golden retriever in human form as always. Arf.

Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany

You know she had to do it to ‘em.

Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada

Trudeau isn’t posing for G7, he’s posing for GQ. Look at his wide-legged stance, his toothy grin, his perfectly coiffed hair, the tailored suit that looks somewhat fitted but not too fitted. Trudeau is just oozing confidence. He’s the hottest politician up there, and he knows it. Rest assured, everyone talked shit about him flexing after this photo was taken.

Emmanuel Macron, President of France

The calm countenance of a man who is hoping everyone forgot he was mollywopped on video a couple of days ago. Mon dieu.

Yoshihide Suga, Prime Minister of Japan

This dude looks like he hit a vape pen a minute before this photo was taken. Good for him.