It's Fucking Freezing But America Is Ordering Ice Cream Cakes

It is winter in the United States and therefore very cold. Face-freezing cold. Long-underwear cold. And yet Baskin Robbins is out here boasting about their booming ice cream cake business. Who ARE you people?

Bloomberg Businessweek reports that in the fourth quarter of 2014, “Baskin-Robbins same-store sales climbed 9.3 percent… with cake orders helping fuel the gain,” 5 percent thanks to a new online-order option.

I’ve always felt a certain personal connection to ice cream cake. The first time I ever saw one is among my most vivid childhood memories. It was from the local Dairy Queen, purchased for my grandfather’s birthday. It was decorated with a man in a hammock, drawn with gel icing. My mind was completely fucking blown. “They have this technology??” I thought. “Why didn’t anyone tell me????” The second time I had an ice cream cake, I was a freshman in college. There were leftovers after an entryway party so we brought it back to our room, where it melted on top of an empty case of Budweiser. (Memories!)

But I’m slightly amazed to learn this many people are ordering ice cream cakes in the dead of winter. Isn’t summer the whole point of ice cream cake? Who’s behind this? Children, of course:

“It gave a halo to the whole ice cream cake category,” Nigel Travis, chief executive officer of Baskin-Robbins’s parent company Dunkin’ Brands Group Inc., said in an interview. “It’s very important in the U.S. — every kid’s birthday has an ice cream cake.”