Twas’ was the day before Christmas (Eve), and all through the house, every creature was stirring, especially the mouse—because I was frantically pacing the halls, distraught over something Rita Ora was wearing on Instagram. This lady is out here in a bikini, in the dead of winter! Ma’am, aren’t you cold?
There’s more important information to this story. Page Six reports that the occasional singer and occasional Detective Pikachu star, was photographed Friday in St. Barths. I’m also told that is an island somewhere. Meanwhile, her various captions on Instagram fill in the blanks. In one, she declares: “Holiday starts now!” In another, she lists her various accomplishments: launching a brand of tequila(?), winning a Latin AMA, completimng a world tour, appearing on a “few” magazine covers, and filming four music videos. Great! But again, this doesn’t answer my question: Isn’t Rita Ora really, really cold in that bikini?
I am not a climate scientist, but I grew up near a beach. This time of year, sheets of rain would be knocking this lady back about ten feet. Or, she’d have been gobbled up by ten foot waves filled with great white sharks. Unless, of course, St. Barths is in another “hemisphere.” Again, I have no confirmation of this theory and I refuse to Google it, but the weather is allegedly different in various hemispheres. Perhaps its warm in St. Barths! Still, that seems like a pretty large scientific leap.
Unless of course, it actually is warm in St. Barths—which is definitely is. What’s really happening on Rita Ora’s Instagram is an illustration of the mobility wealth and celebrity provide you. While parts of the world are buried in snow this time of year, people like Rita Ora hop on jets and fly somewhere nicer, with nothing packed but some bikinis and maybe a statement necklace. If you think about it, Rita Ora’s Instagram is actually an incredible PSA about climate change. Soon, we will ALL be forced to wear bikinis everywhere. Rita Ora, meanwhile, will hop on a jet to the now temperate tundra to wait out the end with some other celebrities. OK, this all makes sense now! I probably should have saved my Christmas Eve-Eve meltdown for something more important. [Page Six]
Everyone, please calm down. It was a false alarm. Sex bench owners Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson are NOT broken up. Why else would they be on vacation together? ET reports that the couple have been posting Instagram photos from Morocco while on an “epic adventure.”
From the Instagram caption, the trip seems to be an extension of Benson’s 30th birthday, which came and went on Decemeber 18. Damn, if this is just a residual birthday present, I wonder what kind of trip Delevingne has in store for Christmas! Does she know Elon Musk? Maybe she’s taking Benson to Mars and back. Or, there is an entire underwater hotel that rich people are hiding from us, complete with submarine rides to the bottom of the ocean. Who knows! I’m just trying to envision something that could possibly top a surprise trip to Morocco, complete with hot air balloons, ATV rides, and excursions across the desert in the side car of my hot girlfriend’s motorcycle.
Also, I’d like to admit to my own, holiday induced shortcomings. I probably should have reported that these two weren’t actually broken up last week, when Delevingne posted the following Instagram commemorating Benson’s birthday. I’m only human, and besides—these celebrities are always breaking up and getting back together and getting hacked and breaking up and getting hacked and getting back together. Maybe I should make a spreadsheet! [ET]
Perhaps it’s the flu medication, but I have been staring at this tweet for approximately an hour.
- Hilary Duff and that Matthew Koma dude are married or whatever. [People]
- I am no closer to figuring out Teresa and Joe Giudice’s relationship now that they’ve broken up. [Us Weekly]
- Angie took the kids shopping. [Hollywood Life]
- Revelations have surfaced in Channing Tatum and Jessie J’s split. [Just Jared]
- Princess Beatrice should maybe create some distance between her and her father, before the next shoe drops! [People]
- Rihanna is never releasing that album. [ET]
- Is anyone really that surprised that Cody Simpson and Miley Cyrus probably broke up? [Us Weekly]