If you're not watching Fox News, you may be missing out on the most traumatizing ad since the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial. Values.com's "Everlasting Love" spot features a woman remembering moments spent with her dad as he lies on his deathbed and a country song tells us "you can let go." Maybe the natural cycle of life isn't quite as devastating as animal abuse, but Media Matters reports the man behind the organization funds campaigns against gay rights, evolution and single parenthood, making the commercial sad on multiple levels.
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This has inspired me. If I ever become mindblowingly rich, I'm trolling the hell out of all you. I'll spend my spare millions funding incredibly weepy ads that make you sad for no damn reason. Commercials, internet adds, even movie trailers, nothing will be safe.
Want to watch Gossip Girl? Well you'll have to sit through frequent reminders that your parents will oneday die set to weepy country music. That weird bee add for Jack Daniels on the front page? It will be replaced with a banner of a kitten superimposed over the words, "One day I will grow old and die, never having truly known what it means to be a self-aware creature. The greatest pleasures in life are thus denied me, and I can never truly know love." Playboy centerfolds will be replaced by a fold-out stories where women describe how they fear that when they are no longer 20, society will no longer see them as having worth.
And I will recline into my velvet armchair, smoking my pipe, with the smug smile of a contented troll on my face.