SCENE: All around her, a sea of MyPillows. Plastic wrap and Bed, Bath, and Beyond receipts litter the floor. She turns over, and the warm sun streams through her Hamptons window. The clock reads 7 a.m., the hour of reckoning; she closes her eyes quickly, and with a fury. Now is not the time to think. She wants to stay here, just a little bit longer, in this vast expanse of cheaply-produced memory foam, which swaddles her like a newborn infant.
She keeps her eyes closed, and a door clicks open. A man’s voice is shouting. “Antifa is likely outside the building! Patriots like me are in danger, and I can’t reach the president. I need you to send the car NOW!”
A smile creeps over her face. It’s just like her big, strong hero to wake up so early in the morning, all so he can save this country, and even the world, as he told her over dinner the previous evening. Eager to kiss him, and pull him back down to earth with her, she sits up—or, at least, struggles to. Her hands quite can’t get a firm grip with all his pillows encircling her like an arcane ritual. Is she the sacrifice? Perhaps, and she smiles again.
“Come back to bed, babe.” He holds a finger to his mouth because now is the hour for patriots. “Please, come to bed, I want to hold you, kiss you.” He sighs, still yelling—“I don’t care if he’s sleeping or he’s dead, get him on the phone!”—and pushes a few of the pillows aside. He mouths I love you, and she tosses a pillow at him, baiting him back to her.
There’s a knock at the door. “Room service, open up!”
He roars. “They’ve found me, I have to go!” She’s already into her pants, bra catching just slightly in her hair. “Who is it, babe?” The color drains from his face. “Antifa. They’ve found us.”
That’s how I’d imagine the love story went between disgraced MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell and 30 Rock star Jane Krakowski. Sources told the Daily Mail Thursday that Krakowski and the Trump lackey had a nine-month relationship that was an “open secret” in her social circle. According to these tipsters, the affair abruptly ended last summer after a weekend in the Hamptons. But before it came to an end, the Daily Mail reports the two were seen “in each other’s company” around the West Village. One source claims: “We’d always joke that Jane had so much money, couldn’t she afford her own MyPillow?”
Another “former friend” of Krakowski told the tabloid that “Jane was a HUGE fan of Obama,” which put her relationship with the CEO in question. Even more sources revealed he had “sent flowers to her almost every week and champagne and different bottles of liquor,” going so far as to allege the two had known each other for “eight years and that they had been friends.” Those gifts, if any of this is to be believed, would often end up in landfills. Says one tipster: “They would fight and Jane would throw all of the gifts that he had given her away. Then they would make up and there would be more gifts again.”
Further, another “friend” told the rag that Krakowski was aware of Lindell’s past with drug abuse and alcoholism, but became impressed with how he had turned things around. “Jane would always say how fantastic he was and that he was a role model that her son Bennett could look up to.”
When asked by Daily Mail about their relationship, Krakowski announced, “I’ve never met the man,” while Lindell quipped, “I have never even heard of Jane Krakowski???”
So, if any of this is true, it’s not too hard to imagine why she might suddenly cut him off last summer, as he spiraled deeper into the Trump administration’s conspiracies about vaccines and the election. He’s also been sued again and again for fraudulent business practices, and faces further legal action from Dominion Voting Systems, on top of most MyPillow retailers shelving his products permanently. In the waning days of the Trump administration, he was also photographed at the White House in an apparent bid to start martial law across the country.
As for Krakowski, she doesn’t have much on the acting horizon. But at the very least, she isn’t dating this freak anymore—or never did!