Is Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's Split 2016's Weakest Conspiracy Theory? (Yes.)

Illustration for article titled Is Ozzy and Sharon Osbournes Split 2016s Weakest Conspiracy Theory? (Yes.)

Get out your cork boards and yarn, kids! Because possibly amicable splits and non-acrimonious breakups don’t exist, Page Six has reported that “industry rumors” are afoot which decry Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne’s recent separation as one big conspiracy-laden attention-grab.

Most of the evidence seems to be based on a siting of the pair “arriving together in the same SUV at the Hollywood Palladium for a music event” for the first time since their uncoupling—and allegations of Ozzy’s past indiscretions—became known to the public. (According to People, the concert in question was a promotional event for Black Sabbath’s scheduled performance at the upcoming 20th anniversary celebration of Ozzfest, which is set to occur in September.)

As we all know, men and women who once appeared on an MTV reality show while married are mentally and emotionally incapable of doing anything other than grunting at each other on Twitter. Accordingly, Page Six insists that “insiders whisper that it could have been cooked up by drum up more interest in Ozzy’s Black Sabbath tour,” which will continue its run on June 1. The fact that Sharon is still Ozzy’s band manager is a point that you should just throw out, right now. It’s obviously a ploy set up by the Illuminati.


Remember, this wouldn’t be a conspiracy without at least three or more parties, so enter daughter Kelly Osbourne, who posted a picture of herself holding a lemon mere weeks after an album titled Lemonade dropped—an album no one has ever heard of until the printing of this article.

So what is the meaning of this lemon? Could it be a metaphor for the smooth veneer of celebrity, which underneath lies the oft-reported sourness of fame? Is it a desperate cry for a juice presser? A cryptic clue to the identity of a secret CIA operative named Becky? Or is it some sort of Masonic code?

In fact, it is a Masonic code! Sort of! As Page Six states, it might be a desperate cry to the public that the split is as fake as the fakest of fakery. Indeed, it’s all inspired by the widely-conjectured but unconfirmed marital strife between Beyoncé and Jay Z—people we did not know existed until this very moment—which served as the creative fuel for Lemonade, an album that you have, again, never heard of.


The question remains: who else is in on this? And who wants to tie this to Benghazi for me?

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Contributor, Jezebel

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“insiders whisper that it could have been cooked up by drum up more interest in Ozzy’s Black Sabbath tour,”

“Oh I’m definitely going to go to that gig because the lead singer might be getting a divorce,” said no-one ever.