Get out your cork boards and yarn, kids! Because possibly amicable splits and non-acrimonious breakups donât exist, Page Six has reported that âindustry rumorsâ are afoot which decry Ozzy and Sharon Osbourneâs recent separation as one big conspiracy-laden attention-grab.
Most of the evidence seems to be based on a siting of the pair âarriving together in the same SUV at the Hollywood Palladium for a music eventâ for the first time since their uncouplingâand allegations of Ozzyâs past indiscretionsâbecame known to the public. (According to People, the concert in question was a promotional event for Black Sabbathâs scheduled performance at the upcoming 20th anniversary celebration of Ozzfest, which is set to occur in September.)
As we all know, men and women who once appeared on an MTV reality show while married are mentally and emotionally incapable of doing anything other than grunting at each other on Twitter. Accordingly, Page Six insists that âinsiders whisper that it could have been cooked up by Sharon...to drum up more interest in Ozzyâs Black Sabbath tour,â which will continue its run on June 1. The fact that Sharon is still Ozzyâs band manager is a point that you should just throw out, right now. Itâs obviously a ploy set up by the Illuminati.
Remember, this wouldnât be a conspiracy without at least three or more parties, so enter daughter Kelly Osbourne, who posted a picture of herself holding a lemon mere weeks after an album titled Lemonade droppedâan album no one has ever heard of until the printing of this article.
So what is the meaning of this lemon? Could it be a metaphor for the smooth veneer of celebrity, which underneath lies the oft-reported sourness of fame? Is it a desperate cry for a juice presser? A cryptic clue to the identity of a secret CIA operative named Becky? Or is it some sort of Masonic code?
In fact, it is a Masonic code! Sort of! As Page Six states, it might be a desperate cry to the public that the split is as fake as the fakest of fakery. Indeed, itâs all inspired by the widely-conjectured but unconfirmed marital strife between BeyoncĂŠ and Jay Zâpeople we did not know existed until this very momentâwhich served as the creative fuel for Lemonade, an album that you have, again, never heard of.
The question remains: who else is in on this? And who wants to tie this to Benghazi for me?
Contact the author at jamie.reich@jezebel.com.
Image via Getty.
