Illustration for article titled Investigation Shockingly Finds That Shake Shack Employees Did Not Poison the NYPD
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Even at a time of constant flux and turmoil, there are some things that stay the same, like the New York City Police Department union spouting an endless deluge of garbage for gormless sycophants to gobble up. The latest example involves cops, Shake Shack, and allegedly poisoned beverages that, a department investigation concluded, were never poisoned in the first place.

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On Monday, the Police Benevolent Association of the City of New York released a statement to its members warning of an alleged poisoning incident at a Shake Shack in lower Manhattan.

Bolding theirs:

“At some point during their meal period, the MOS [Member of Service] discovered that a toxic substance, believed to be bleach, had been placed in their beverages. The contamination was not discovered until the MOS had already ingested a portion of their beverages. They are currently at the hospital receiving treatment and are expected to recover.”

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The statement continued, warning NYPD to stay vigilant and eat in groups before segueing into a diatribe about attacks against officers.

“When New York City police officers cannot even take meal without coming under attack, it is clear that environment in which we work has deteriorated to a critical level,” the statement read.

While the statement focused on the alleged poisoning of the officers, it also read as a larger indictment against the anti-police sentiment that has followed a series of high profile instances of cops killing unarmed black people. Spurred to action by the deaths of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, protests have ignited worldwide condemning police brutality, police complacency, and police budgets. Even NYPD’s vast influence on city governance couldn’t stop the New York City Council from proposing a $1 billion budget cut for the department.

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NYPD leadership is convinced that such criticism means they’re under attack, and their grievances have advanced from screaming on a soapbox to accusing fast food employees of poisoning cops.

But as it turns out, the milkshakes the cops reportedly ingested had not been poisoned by disgruntled Shake Shack employees tweeting ACAB. Early Tuesday morning, NYPD Detective Chief Rodney Harrison wrote that after a thorough investigation, “it has been determined that there was no criminality by shake shack’s employees.”

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There have been no additional details made public about the veracity of the PBA’s initial claim, though they claim bleach or a cleaning agent made the officers ill.

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But the mea culpa continued, with the Detectives Endowment Association, a labor union for retired NYPD detectives, tweeting that while it is unclear how a toxic substance got into the officers’ drinks, they are “relieved to hear that this was not an intentional attempt to harm our officers are pleased to report they will make a full recovery.”

And the damage is already done. This correction hasn’t stopped the spread of misinformation. Fox News blowhard Sean Hannity still hasn’t deleted a tweet about the initial poisoning accusations, others who spread the hoax will not bother to check up on updates, and now countless people will remain convinced that the cops are under attack across America.

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Thanks, as always, PBA.

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

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