In a Blatant Attack Against Rum, Coca-Cola Launches Alcoholic Beverage

Know your place, Coke. You’re a mixer.

The BBC reports that Coca-Cola is chasing waterfalls and expanding its product line to include an alcoholic beverage. For the Cokeheads out there, this sparkling freak show will only be available in Japan. It’s actually a direct response to the popularity of fizzy alcohol in a can, Chu-Hi, which is basically flavored soda with a dose of Japanese spirit shochu. Coke executives in the country are calling this venture a “modest experiment for a specific slice of our market.”

Chu-Hi is especially popular amongst women who want that three to eight percent alcohol by volume without having to drink beer, and bigger Japanese alcoholic beverage companies like Kirin, Suntory and Asahi all have their ownversions. They actually sound pretty tasty, coming in yummy grapefruit and lemon. Wait, I’m describing a wine cooler. Or a Zima? Or a gin and tonic? There are literally hundreds of ways to consume something bubbly that will make you blotto and cola does not need to join the ranks.

If you do something really well, recognize that and pat yourself on the back. Coca-Cola, you’re really good at being too sweet and tasting slightly like blood. Stick with it! I know other beverages seem flashier, because they give people a temporary euphoria that makes them feel like they look cool dancing on a raised platform. You can’t give that to people, but it’s okay—you still give them cavities. Let rum do its job, and you do yours.