I feel like I'm the only person on earth who watched every episode of Tori & Dean: Inn Love—which was the 2007 reality show where Tori Spelling and husband Dean McDermott attempted to open a bed and breakfast while Tori was 97 months pregnant with their first child—because every time I reference it and go up top for the high-five, I just get blank stares and/or pelted with rotten cabbage. But you guys! That show was SO GOOD! Tori and Dean are legit charming, and not in a smarmy reality TV way, and it really seems like they love each other and Dean doesn't even care when she's peeing herself all the time and they know that this B&B thing they've gotten themselves into is IDIOTIC but they (pretend to) try really sincerely anyway even though it's obviously just a TV show and I just loved hanging out with them for some reason.
I stopped watching after season 2, I think, when the show was rebranded Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, so maybe I don't count as a real fan, but I'm just telling you that I FELT THINGS.
Point is, I am very upset about this week's Us Weekly cover, which alleges that Dean cheated on Tori with some Canadian person named Emily Goodhand (I guess he just wanted to see if she lived up to the hype!) who apparently then sold her story to Us Weekly.
While promoting his gig as host of Chopped Canada in Toronto on Dec. 6, McDermott invited 28-year-old Emily Goodhand, a woman he met that day through friends, to his room at the Fairmont Royal York Hotel — where they had sex, she tells Us. "He told me he and Tori had a sexless marriage," says Goodhand, who stayed over at his hotel the following night too. "I believed him."
And no, I will not be picking up a paper copy to find out "more details on McDermott's affair — from their wild night together to how the affair could damage more than his marriage."
I mean, look. I fervently believe that people shouldn't stay in bad relationships just because of some artificial rom-com notion of true love being "forever." In fact, I think that the pressure of conforming to that framework ruins—literally RUINS—a lot of people's lives. People deserve the right to pursue happiness and fulfillment, and sometimes even loving, passionate relationships just run their course. But I do think that if you've made a monogamous commitment to a partner (and, I suppose, we don't know what Tori and Dean's arrangement is!), you owe them one of these three things, in descending order of preferableness:
1) To kindly and humanely share the knowledge that you feel this way and would like to explore outside the boundaries of monogamy and/or end the relationship.
2) To not have secret sex with Emily Goodhand (YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT SHE CAN DO WITH HER FOOT) in Canada just because you're frustrated, until you have a chance to talk through #1.
3) To at LEAST not get CAUGHT having secret sex with Emily Goodhand so that it ends up on the cover of Us fucking Weekly.
But despite all of that, please indulge me in this one moment of WAAAAAAHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO I REALLY THOUGHT TORI AND DEAN WOULD MAAAAAKE IIIIIIIT!!!!!
Sniff. Hold me, Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, you're my only hope.
Image via Getty.