I'm Trying to Trot My Titties Into This Ta-Ta Towel, Stat

Invented by a woman named Erin Robertson, it’s been around since 2015, but today it came to Jezebel’s attention via this tweet:

Thank you, great Khaleesi, for putting this into our zone because frankly I’m going to wear a Ta-Ta Towel for the remainder of August and possibly into October.

This is the future of fashion: free-floating, elevated honkers swathed in the finest terry cloth and draped ever-so-elegantly around the nape of the neck. The engineering alone is a feat of modern innovation: who needs a boob job when you can just defy gravity by balancing the weight of your tiddies on your spine? I envision a future without back problems because my floppy-n-flailin’ double-Ds will be kept in check by the simplicity of this beautiful swathe of fabric. I will wear them with pum pum shorts, and look like Björk playing an extra in Dazed and Confused. When I leave my home, my neighbors will applaud. My chub will never rub. I will look like a disco queen, and I will be free.

Inventor Erin wrote on her site that she came up with the idea while getting ready for a date in the dead of summer with no A/C, a scenario I find myself in every single day (the A/C part, not the date part). The most exciting thing I am anticipating about slinging my boulders in this over-the-shoulder-holder is that it is clearly designed to accommodate breasts of weight and heft, which virtually NOTHING IS. The sizing STARTS at a C, and goes up to an H CUP. A size small encompasses size C-DD! The last time I was a size small in the chestal area was like, sixth grade. I think the Ta-Ta Towel is making me feel included? Like, Erin, truly, thank you for thinking of the bulbously boobed among us. May our undertitties never succumb to the slick layer of sweat-slime for all the summers to come.