I'm Stuck in An Email Thread About Terrorist Raccoons, Help

Image via Shutterstock
Image via Shutterstock

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about killer raccoons in Harlem and now somehow I’m stuck in an email thread about it.


As it is, I feel obligated to get the word out about this ongoing neighborhood raccoon crisis. So below is the email thread with six people on it, which arrived under the subject line “Raccoon Saga”:

Illustration for article titled I'm Stuck in An Email Thread About Terrorist Raccoons, Help

The email was CC’d to my Jezebel account, along with another writer from DNAInfo (where I aggregated the story from). It begins, as these things do, with a raccoon decapitating a lollipop:

Dear Neighbors,

Two weeks ago raccoon ripped my 2nd floor window mesh, came into my studio, found a lollipop, removed the wrapper and ate it, leaving the stick on the floor. I double-patched the mesh, and continue to open my window for fresh air. Last night it returned, while I was reading 3 feet away with full lights on. Luckily I heard the rip and after screaming several expletives at him, it reluctantly left.

Now I have done further repairs and dosed the sill with Amonnia and Pineglo. It almost makes you want to join the NRA (just kidding!).

I am copying the kind journalists who told our story first 2 weeks ago - after all this is an unfolding tale.

What is our next move?



Me in a sarcastic email forwarded to the Jezebel staff:

I can’t help u

A second “neighbor” with a recurring raccoon issue replies:

I too am deeply troubled about what appears to be an aggressive family of raccoons in our on block. Well they also murdered my 18 year old pair of rescue turtles and eviscerated all of my pond fish - 4, 9" comets, my bullfrogs and toads.

I hate what they did but fear that some may want to take matters into their own hands because the City has said they will not help us trap and relocate them! I will identify a humane service that can trap and relocate them. I will let you know the prices and will take up a collection to pay for it. They may need access to several of our backyard and I will need volunteers for that. I will start collecting once I have comparison pricing.

Your Neighbor,


Paging New York City! Beep, Beep!! Help these people! Two others who were very sorry joined in:

I’m very sorry to hear about your turtles and the other animals in your pond. We would be happy to contribute to hiring a humane relocation service and grant access to our garden.

[Name redacted & Name redacted]

Sent from my iPhone

Yet another person announces a meeting but can’t make it:

Same here, and just in case it got lost in the mix, there will be a meeting of neighbors in the playground [Date/time redacted]. Unfortunately I am unable to attend, but will catch up after and am happy to help with any further steps/efforts to organize our block.


A fifth person:

Hi [Name redacted],

So sorry for your loss.

Happy you’ve joined us in the battle against the raccoon(s). [Names redacted] my and efforts in getting media attention wasn’t enough to solve the problem so I agree we need to step-it-up. If you find someone to capture it/them I will definitely contribute.

Anyone who objects to [Name redacted] taking the lead on this please say so by end of day tomorrow. After hearing no objections by tomorrow we will assume that [Name redacted] can go ahead. Is that okay with everyone?


[Name redacted]

“No regrets, no anticipation, just this moment as it is.” - Deepak Chopra

Hmm, community organization works, I thought. And yet, I sent another email to the Jezebel staff because I’m horrible:

I am stuck in this thread. Help...

Then I realized, it isn’t I who needs the help; it’s the citizens on the receiving end of raccoon rage. So here I am.

From the person who sent the original email:

Perfect, we will gladly contribute to the effort - and of course will make our yard available. They seem to come back to the same places. For us it is the 2nd floor window (climbs up fire escape..)

Thank you,

[Name redacted]

Someone who has no objection:

I have no objection to [Name redacted] collecting to get this matter resolved. We had a visit last night and I’m tired of this nuisance.

Where do I deliver my donation?

[Name redacted] if you help collecting during the day I’m available.

[Name redacted]

Sent from my iPhone

Another concerned party who had yet to weigh in:

157 will contribute to the racoon problem.

My job here is done and hopefully this issue gets solved.

Culture Editor, Jezebel