I'm Ready to Eat Anyone Who Has Wronged Me

We may have finally figured out why our Neanderthal ancestors were occasionally driven to eat each other, and let me just say, I get it.

According to French researchers, the reason some Neanderthals may have snacked on their friends and family may have been a lack of resources caused by climate change. With carbon emissions rising and animal species going extinct and a disturbing lack of urgency on the part of some lawmakers, all I know is that you all better watch out.

An examination of some Neanderthal molars showed symptoms of malnourishment, implying that they apparently saw cannibalism as a last resort. That’s nice, but I, for one, am already prepared to do what I need to do in case of a McNugget shortage.

Since the world is already overpopulated, I’m lucky enough to have my choice of which people to sacrifice for my own survival. That means friends and family are safe (for now), but the rest of you better shape up before I get really hungry.

Some menu items I’ve already been mulling over: the elementary school art teacher who laughed at my stick figure drawings, any bartender who skipped over me for someone else who hasn’t been waiting as long, Jonah Hill, and the unapologetic man-spreader on the C train this morning. Go ahead and get comfortable because as soon as overfishing closes down my neighborhood sushi joint, it’s over for you bitches!

Of course, I may be able to find something else to satisfy my growing appetite if we were to mitigate the effects of climate change, but with the way things are looking now, you better start running.