I'm Doing Fine! I Swear to God, I'm Doing Fine

Illustration for article titled Im Doing Fine! I Swear to God, Im Doing Fine
Image: IXOLA (Backgrid)

You might have seen me in the news recently. I know, it’s pretty shocking. For 13 years, my family has ruled as the kings and queens of reality television. We have shaped international news, we have utterly changed the global pop culture landscape, and with our sheer power, have proliferated hundreds of trends and styles. It’s all over now, though. Keeping Up With the Kardashians will soon be a distant memory. And so I took a drive.

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You could ask me how it got to this point. I probably wouldn’t have an answer for you. All I wanted was for my family to be the most powerful group of people alive. Now, that dream is slipping from my grasp. It’s all just a bit much for me, you know? Some of my daughters are asking how I’m coping. My oldest, Kimberly, is going through a lot, so I smile and tell her I’m fine. The youngest is a little busy eating out at Nobu every night, and we have a big media push happening around her status as a billionaire—she really is a billionaire—which is a lot on her plate already. Who knows what my sweet Kendall is up to. Khloé does what she can to cheer me up. I can’t tell if Kourtney is ignoring me, or if I’m ignoring Kourtney. I know when I eventually call her, she’ll gloat, and say she told me so. She didn’t even want any of this anyway.

I’ve been feeling weird. I told my therapist about a book I read, set right as Romulus Augustus was deposed by Flavius Ocoacer as ruler of the Roman Empire, ending over 500 years of the greatest civilization in history. She asked me to talk about the dreams I’m having. I told her how, a few nights ago, I dreamed of a great white obelisk that was slowly turning to dust. Eons passed in my dream. Whenever I tried to scream, no sounds came out. Will anyone even remember me, in 500 years?

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And so I kept driving. I didn’t even have anywhere to drive to. Beaches are still closed, and everywhere I go requires a mask. I hate the way they itch on my face. Not even Kylie’s lip pencils can withstand the heat, and when I take my mask off in the car, that and my face are all smudged a dusty pink. (Charm Velvet Lip Kits are still in stock online, use code KYLIE for 10 percent off shipping.)

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Image: IXOLA (Backgrid)

My Rolls Royce purrs when it’s on the road. The noise comforts me, in those fleeting moments when the din of publicists and assistants and housekeepers and cleaners and grandchildren and producers and makeup artists and hairstylists and interior decorators and network executives fade away. It’s just me, this Rolls Royce, and Mulholland Drive. And the paparazzi who post up at every bend in the road. Did I call them? Did my assistants call them? Do they have a tracking device on my car? I can’t even remember anymore.

Actually, I don’t even know why I’m writing you at all. I just... I needed someone to talk to, you know? My mind is in jumbles. I’m pretty sure it’s Friday, but it was just Monday, and March feels like yesterday.

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Who do you think you are, anyway? You people are always writing about my family like you know us. You watch us on television, and you read our Instagram posts, and you save our tweets, and you screenshot our interviews, and it’s like you believe you’re here. In my car, or our homes. You think you’re a part of this family. But you don’t know anything.

It’s all slipping away. A dream I can’t remember. My therapist asks me to recount it again.

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My girls and I will be off cable television soon, but we won’t be gone. Can’t you feel it? In every one of you, there’s a piece of us. This era is ending, but for a fleeting second, we ruled this earth. We changed it. We changed you.

And so I kept driving. I’ll see you all around sometime.

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DISCUSSION

bananabunny
Bananabunny

From our friends at The Onion:

https://www.theonion.com/i-decide-when-the-show-ends-says-dead-eyed-kris-jenn-1845015409

I realize this pretty fucked up, twisted, cold and dark, but dark humor is a coping mechanism for me. It’s all I have left these days.