If You're The Person Who Stole This Famous Artwork Can You Please Just Admit It Already

Gustav Klimt’s Portrait of a Lady
Gustav Klimt’s Portrait of a Lady
Image: AP

Ok so maybe I’m just overly excited about the potential Knives Out sequel, but something about this story isn’t adding up. A previously thought-to-be-lost-forever, priceless painting was recently discovered hiding in the literal walls of the building it was it was stolen from almost 23 years ago.

Noted asshole Gustav Klimt’s “Portrait of a Lady” was found by a gardener who was clearing away some ivy on the exterior of the Ricci Oddi Modern Art Gallery in Piacenza, Italy, when he came across a small panel door and decided to take a peek inside. The gardener, who is conveniently not named in AP report about the discovery, found a plastic bag in that little ivy covered door, and inside that plastic bag found the missing painting.

Now, I’m no detective, nor am I any of the women of Ocean’s 8, and therefore I’m unable to both solve a mystery or plan a heist, but this story has left me with more than a few unanswered questions.


The first of which being, you’re telling me no one in 23 years has cleared away ivy on the side of this building a noticed that secret door? I mean, I’m not about to cast judgement on the Ricci Oddi Modern Art Gallery’s grounds keeper, but babe, even I’m tending my garden with more regularity.

Of course, the real win here is that the paining’s been found, but now that the verification is confirmed and out of the way, investigators have begun looking for clues as to who took the work in the first place.

Klimt, who produced over a dozen works in his lifetime with the word ‘lady’ in the title, has, like many artists, experienced roaring success posthumously. In 2006 his piece, “Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer” sold for $135 million, and maybe just to prove she has a hand in everything going on everywhere at all times, Oprah apparently had possession of and then sold “Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer II” for $150 million not too long ago.

Personally, I’m not too concerned with rich people buying dead people’s art, but I am very concerned with the drama this case as the potential to kick up. As of now authorities only have some organic matter and a scratch near the edge of the canvas to go off of for evidence, but I haven’t been able to sleep lately so I will definitely be tracking their progress while restless in the early hours of the morning. The gardener is clearly too obvious of a choice, but with journalist Anne-Marie O’Connor throwing around phrases like “too hot to handle” in regards to the painting, I’m sure a more interesting suspect will arise.

freelance writer living in San Francisco. Please clap.

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If I painted something that looks like that painting, (and frankly it looks be about as good... or rather, as bad as I could do) I’d be lucky to get $10.50 for it down at the local community hall art show and that would only be if my mum secretly bought it.

Of course I’m not dead yet. Not even restin’ and pining for the fjords but really, that painting looks like utter amateur crap.

Oh and for the record... I reckon the gardener nicked it and decided to give it back without getting his ass busted over it (though that may still happen).