If You’re Not Willing to Use Your Vagina as a Fishing Lure, You’re Not an Ultimate Naked Survivor

Illustration for article titled If You’re Not Willing to Use Your Vagina as a Fishing Lure, You’re Not an Ultimate emNaked/em Survivor

What happened to the Discovery Channel? Is the demand for majestic wildebeest documentaries really that low, or is the demand for reality shows featuring naked white people pooping outdoors in exotic locations really that high? It must be, otherwise we wouldn't be getting such a robust lineup of naked survivalist shows, one of which features a woman who, in lieu of a synthetic fishing lure (and they all are inferior, aren't they?), caught fish with the help of her trusty labia.


Promotional pictures for Naked in Africa feature a bemused man and woman covered in mud and squatting in the tall grass of the Serengeti. The man and woman are none other than world-renowned survivalists Kellie Nightlinger and Erroll James Snyder, strangers not to pain, deprivation, and physical humiliation. In an interview with the New York Daily News, Nightlinger and Snyder regaled Don Kaplan with their "ultimate" survival stories, including that one time Nightlinger used her vagina for bait and caught a fish with her vise-like thighs:

We needed something with protein and because the water was so muddy, traditional fishing methods wouldn't work, so I had to improvise, adapt and overcome.


These people really shouldn't narrate their own shows. Not that they're incapable of doing a bang-up job, it's just that their exploits would sound so much more bestial if Nigel Thornberry were whispering over the footage of Nightlinger catch a fish between her legs, "Ah, yes. Observe how the sensationalistic hunting technique of the thrill-seeking human. At first glance, one might think that her prey was the fish, but a closer look reveals what she's truly after: the rare and elusive ratings spike."


Image via John Brueske/ Shutterstock.

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RaisedByHeathens Orange Meanie-Pants

So I know that they live in the Amazon and not Africa- but there is no way I'd be able to use my vagina as a lure without thinking about the candiru fish. I even know that most of the pee hole exploits of the candiru are mostly legend. I still would not want to rick it.