If People Talked About Seinfeld Like They Talk About Girls

Do you watch Seinfeld? Do you like it? REALLY?! Ugh, I mean it’s fine, I guess, I just think it has A LOT of problems.

The whole thing just seems SO self-indulgent. Seinfeld stars a comedian named Jerry Seinfeld who plays a comedian named Jerry. Wow. Really, Jerry? He also created the show and writes it. It’s like he can’t give up control of anything.

Sometimes it seems like he’s just using this show as an excuse to play out his fantasies, y’know? Every show opens with him performing stand-up to a great crowd that loves every one of his jokes. And he’s constantly having sex with these beautiful women. Like, WAY too beautiful for a schlubby guy like Jerry. Even George, who’s like short and fat, and Kramer, who’s just kind of gross, both also have sex with these beautiful women. It’s like, yeah, okay, Jerry. I guess enjoy the dream while you can.

He really seems to think he’s funny. Do you think he’s funny? I don’t think he’s funny. Like, the critics say it’s a funny show, but the comedy is kind of weird. And nothing ever HAPPENS. It’s just these privileged white people (and I mean, they’re ALL white) living their lives in New York. The only non-white characters are wacky immigrant cab drivers and soup vendors. Oh, hilarious: they can’t speak English well — what’s so groundbreaking about that?

And are we supposed to LIKE these characters? I know you say that part of the humor is seeing yourself reflected in these characters, but none of them are good people. They’re selfish, petty, narcissists. They’re constantly talking about themselves while treating other people like garbage. They claim to be friends, yet they do absolutely horrible things to each other. Are we supposed to see ourselves in this? That seems kind of twisted to me.

Did you know there’s an episode called “The Contest” that’s all about masturbation? And one called “The Apology” that’s about Jerry being casually naked around the apartment with his girlfriend. I know they’re trying to be edgy, but honestly it’s boring. Like, wow, an ugly guy doing things I’m used to seeing hot guys do. Great. It’s not funny; it’s just off-putting. And have you seen the stuff Jerry wears? He’s got big white sneakers and tight jeans — not flattering at all.

Also, did you know Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the daughter of the billionaire Gerard Louis-Dreyfus. It seems a little disingenuous to cast her as personal assistant when she’s probably never had to work a day in her life.

And speaking of never working a day, what’s up with Kramer? He doesn’t seem to have a job and yet somehow he can live by himself in a giant high-rise Manhattan apartment. Are we to assume that his parents are giving him money? Is all this someone’s New York experience? Because it sure ain’t mine!

I guess I just like a different kind of comedy. Have you seen Louie? Now there’s a great show that can’t have the exact same criticisms leveled against it.