I Would Absolutely Wear These Stupid Clown Shoes

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Screenshot: Twitter

Adidas is now in the business of clown shoes, pivoting away now from four years as the exclusive clothier of influencers and also Beyoncé. About time!

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Below is a photograph of the new Tommy Cash collaboration, in the style of Adidas’ Superstar shoe, which Hypebeast claims is the brand’s longest shoe yet.

Apparently, Tommy Cash is a rapper and “conceptual artist” from Estonia, and his merch store showcases collaborations with Rick Owens alongside scarves that read “CRYSTAL METH.” I’m also putting those facts out of my mind, while I distract myself trying to imagine the sort of sound this shoe makes. Clonk, clonk, clonk, maybe? It might even be closer to a more typical clown noise, like a honk.

When I asked the Jezebel newsroom if anyone would wear these shoes, I was met with a chorus of “no absolutely not don’t be fucking weird.” But I’m still not convinced on why I shouldn’t go wait out in the freezing cold to get a pair on my birthday tomorrow. I mean... I deserve clown shoes, right? These are the shoes I was born to wear.

They’re perfect for:

  • Just a chill fun day in the park.
  • Running into my clown college boyfriend at a support group for Clowns Living in a Pandemic.
  • Bopping over to Trader Joe’s to restock my fridge with Oat Milk.
  • Visiting my mother-in-law.

I think I’m convinced—I’m going to get the clown shoes. No word from Adidas yet on how much these suckers cost, but that doesn’t really matter. One simply cannot put a price on clownery.

DISCUSSION

By
The Holy Hand Grenade

I have attempted to play indoor soccer in actual clown shoes once, naturally on a drunken dare. Can confirm it’s hilarious. Also 80/20 chance it will fuck up your ankles.