I Watched Some Fortnite Porn So I Finally Could Figure Out What Fortnite Is

As I write this, I do not know what Fortnite is, really, at all. I think that it is a video game? An app, maybe? Kind of like Candy Crush, only for bigger nerds? Well, this morning, when I grudgingly reviewed the end-of-year stats published by Pornhub, heretofore referred to as The Media-Savvy Tube Site Behemoth That Shall Not Be Named, I discovered that “fortnite” was one of the most-searched terms among the site’s users. Fortnite porn exists and is popular, it seems.

Maybe now I would learn what Fortnite is.

I navigated over to The Media-Savvy Tube Site Behemoth That Shall Not Be Named and entered the search term. First up, a little video titled, “FORNITE SEX NINJA FUCK.” I know what ninjas are!

Enter some CGI-y characters going at it doggo in the rain. They look like regular naked people, nothing too remarkable. But then it’s a quick cut to a red-head with a weird thing on her head? It looks like the hood of one of those Pikachu rompers? (Sidenote: she’s also giving a foot-job to a big, fat wiggling dick, but that seems the less notable thing here.) Cut to a lady wearing gold goggles straddling a man cowgirl style. I started to get a Steampunk vibe.

It hit me that this was a compilation video, which means that there is just that much Fortnite porn on the internet.

Another cut: a lady with an Aeon Flux-style black bob and blunt-cut bangs wearing a skin-tight leather top with admirable tailoring and a Very High-Tech gadget around her wrist. A man thrusts into her, despite said gadget, which looks like it’s designed to eviscerate men, but I might be projecting. She’s got landing strip pubes, which is an innnteresting choice, but maybe that’s a Fortnite thing. Maybe Fortnite is set in the year 2000.

Cut to a green-haired fairy-type creature riding a dick? She has a pink baseball cap and pigtails. And now I am fairly certain that Fortnite is a game set in a turn-of-the-millennia rave?

Next up, a video Titled “FORNITE TRICERA OPS FUCK CUDDLE TEAM LEADER.” Which tells me that I’m dealing with some real nerd shit.

I fast-forward and land on—how to say? Someone wearing a full pink cat helmet (picture an astronaut mixed with a furry) while getting face-fucked. It is mildly disturbing because the pink cat helmet eyes are unblinking throughout, and I am also quite unclear about the mouth-hole situation (a.k.a the breathing mechanism) at play. Maybe cat astronauts don’t need to breathe.

Fast forward a little more and there’s a handsome man in an elaborate space-like uniform with his massive dick out. He has A.J. Mclean-style facial hair, so now I’m thinking this is more like a late-’90s boy band rave-slash-orgy and I am not not into it.

Next up, a video by the title, “FORNITE TRICERA OPS FUCK CUDDLE TEAM LEADER.” Which tells me that I’m dealing with some real nerd shit. And, sure enough, the opening image of this video makes my stomach do a little twirl of joy at the nerdiness on display. Someone is wearing a red skin-tight bodysuit with a hood in the shape of a triceratops head. The little dino teeth of the hood drape over the wearer’s forehead like a child’s bathrobe might. Only, the suit is split in the seat and tricera (?) is riding the dick of a pink-suited bunny-naut. In the background, it looks like a panda-naut is giving a blowjob to a bear-naut.

There are several more videos with titles like, “Playing Fortnite While I Fuck My Girlfriend” (and variations like, “I Fuck my girlfriend fat ass while playing fortnite” and “Step Sister interrupts Fortnite game and gets punished”). Which suggests to me that Fortnite is, indeed, a game. But one can never be sure, now can one? So, I navigate over to fortnite-porn.com and click on the first thumbnail which opens on an image titled, “Sparkle Ops Farting while filled with cum ;).” It’s a hand-drawn image of a naked lady who looks kind of like Jem. She appears to be queefing out some ejaculate in a fountain-like fashion.

And, you know, with that, I was done. I Slacked Gita Jackson over at Kotaku to answer my Fortnite questions once and for all. Here is our lightly edited and very important conversation:

Me: Is Fortnite a game set in a 2000-era rave?

Gita Jackson: no, though i would see why you think so

Me: Okay. Is Fortnite a game set amid a late-90s boy band rave-slash-orgy?

Gita Jackson: again, no, but i COMPLETELY understand why you think so

Me: I give in. What is Fortnite?

Gita Jackson: Fortnite is an online, multiplayer game set in a vague map that is meant to depict a town of some sort

it’s like an empty battlefield devoid of personality

Me: Sounds fun.

Gita Jackson: well, there’s some personality—they make changes to the map based on each “season” of gameplay

i honestly don’t fucking get fortnite

but the teens love it

Me: Oh, the teens!

Gita Jackson: they’re wild

Me: What are those cat people?

I saw cat people giving blow jobs.

Gita Jackson: okay—in fortnite you can buy and earn “skins” that change the appearance of your character. some of them are based on pop culture figures, like john wick. others are just like, weird cute things. that would be the cat girls.

it’s important to note that there is no plot to fortnite. none of these characters have an ascribed personality.

Me: I will pretend to know who John Wick is.

Gita Jackson: have you read about heal sluts in overwatch? it’s kinda like that

Me: HEAL SLUTS?

Gita Jackson: [quoting this Kotaku article] “The process of engaging in some BDSM in the seemingly squeaky-clean video game Overwatch is simple. Equip the angelic healer Mercy with her Imp skin, spray-paint an arrow on the wall, and crouch beneath it. If you’re lucky, a tank will walk up to you and emote ‘understood.’ You’ll serve them dutifully and wait for the private message after the match.”

basically, mercy is an overwatch character who mainly does healing. she has SOME personality, but most of it is defined by other players.

some players get off on being a support class or healing character who has to serve the other characters

Me: INTERESTING

Gita Jackson: so there’s this whole culture of “heal sluts” who use the game to get off

Me: I love this. Sounds cooler than Fortnite.

Gita Jackson: yeah it honestly is

overwatch is a huge game with a huge fandom, but fortnite is bigger now

Me: So who is Spark Ops? And, forgive me, but does her super power involve queefing?

Gita Jackson: spark ops would be a skin. skins don’t have any particular powers, they’re just cosmetic changes.

i don’t know which skin that is though, as i can’t seem to find it via google

Me: This has been incredibly informative, thank you.