I Want to Become the Kind of Woman Who Throws Snakes at Her Pursuers

I do not like snakes. They weird me out in real life, so much so that when my girlfriend found one in our garden, she knew she had to kill it before telling me about it. I am the lady Indiana Jones.

However, because I’m a hot girl full of contradictions, I love snake iconography. Medusa’s hair? A slay. A good ouroboros? Yes please. Slytherin? Annoyingly cool with me. That iconic “Slave 4 U” performance? Iconic. Jughead’s South Side Serpents jacket? Added to my cart. My Reputation era tee? Wear it all the time.

It was only a matter of time that I found out about theFlorida woman who threw a snake at the police officers who accused of her of engaging in a high-speed car cash. When the 54-year-old woman was approached by police, reports say she threw a snake at a deputy in a perhaps misguided attempt to avoid arrest. She was taken into police custody and, later, police discovered the snake was made of rubber.

While I don’t condone getting into a high-speed car chase and injuring bystanders with your car, throwing a snake at a deputy trying to detain and arrest you is objectively funny. Another iconic snake appearance in pop culture!

I’ve had the worst week and this snake appearance couldn’t have come at a better time. My younger dog has a GI infection she can’t seem to shake, so I’ve been cleaning dog poop out of my rugs every day around 4 a.m. My older dog has cancer again. My main coverage area at Jezebel is so massively depressing. My recreation softball league lost and so did my team in the NBA conference finals. I was so happy to read about a rubber snake getting thrown.

Sure, the actions leading up to the snake were not the best, but I want to go into this summer with these kind of vibes. How will I throw (maybe literal, maybe metaphorical) snakes at all the crap piling up around me? How will you?