I Want As Many Pets As Possible In the White House Again

What does a Joe Biden Presidency mean for America? An era without a fascist in office, for one thing. But it also means a very important figure will once again enter the White House, whose influence across the country can’t be understated: the Presidential pet.

Joe Biden has two dogs, a rescue named Major and an older German Shepherd named Champ who “loves to talk.” For the past four years not only has Donald Trump not welcomed any good boys into the White House, he has openly voiced his disdain for dogs and pets, using the word “dog” as an insult any chance he gets. Mike Pence might have Marlon Bundo and a few other animals, but Trump thought Pence bringing pets to the White House was, according to a 2017 report from The Hill, “low-class.” And anyway, all those Pence pets are complicit in this administration’s horrific policies, misogyny, and xenophobia, make no mistake.

But Presidential pets are a necessity. From Barack Obama’s beloved Bo and Sunny to FDR’s Fala (a beloved Scottish Terrier who actually starred in a small documentary film about his life as a Presidential pup in 1943), pets in the White House just make sense. I think beyond the usual dogs and cats, White House families should fill that sucker up with as many animals as possible. Don’t forget that President Calvin Coolidge was practically a pet hoarder, ushering in a raccoon, a pygmy hippo, and two lions named “Tax Reduction” and “Budget Bureau.”

Even if we don’t get a hippo once again, I for one am excited to have some dogs back in the White House, gnawing on furniture Abraham Lincoln once sat on, and bringing honor once again to this great nation.