I Tried It: The Green Juice Martha Stewart Won’t Fucking Shut Up About

There are few certainties in life, but among them are: death, taxes, and Martha Stewart taking any opportunity she can to talk about her fucking green juice.

Look up any interview Stewart’s done from the last 10 years, and you’ll see her yapping away about how she starts every day with a green juice. Here’s one, and here, and here, here, here, here, and here’s the latest one. It also seems to be the only thing in her life she hasn’t monetized, which deeply confuses me since she’s so obsessed with it—but I guess if there’s one thing she wants to keep for herself, I’m happy it’s a green juice.

In general, I feel like if you’ve tried one green juice recipe, you’ve tried them all. But I love anything that reminds me that I’m poor, and if this particular green juice is the only fucking thing getting Stewart out of bed every morning (my words, not hers) and keeping her hair “nice and thick,” lemme try it.

So, there are actually a few different recipes for “Martha Stewart’s Green Juice” on the internet, but I decided to use the one she explains herself in her Harpers Bazaar “Food Diaries” video from 2022. She starts off by explaining that the vegetables “primarily come from my vegetable greenhouse or my garden,” because she wants “organic,” she wants “clean,” she wants “tasty” and “healthy.” (Is she admitting that she knows the government fucks with our food?) She doesn’t use kale in her green juice because she says it “makes you burp.” And she uses a Breville Blucier, which appears to retail for $399.95.

In summary, this is how she makes the green juice:

So the green juice: cucumbers, parsley, mint if I have it, a little piece of ginger which I do not grow, half of an orange including the skin. What am I missing? Oh I’m missing celery, celery is excellent, with the leaves of course, don’t throw those leaves away, it’s extremely important to keep the leaves on. Oh, and I must not forget a very important ingredient: pineapple.

Because of my economic status, I had to make some adjustments. Instead of grabbing fresh vegetables from my personal vegetable greenhouse or garden, I walked to my local overpriced Brooklyn grocery store, which charges me $5 for pineapple but is super convenient. I don’t have a $400 juicer, but I DO have a $25 Magic Bullet.

I eyeballed the ingredients: two stalks of celery, a few leaves of parsley and mint. I really don’t like ginger, so I used a piece so tiny that I probably shouldn’t have bothered with it at all. She typically specifies that she uses English cucumbers, and my grocery store only had Armenian cucumbers, but I think that’s fine. I used half an orange but without the peel, since I didn’t want to give my Magic Bullet a heart attack. I added some pineapple chunks, half a cup of water, some more pineapple chunks, and some more water.

The result? A chunky, but also watery garden smoothie with too much parsley and, shockingly, not enough pineapple. I drank it all, but with a frown on my face. It did not taste good, and unfortunately, the $18 I spent on ingredients means I’ll have to be drinking this for the next few days :(. Stewart swears this juice is the secret to having good skin, but unfortunately I don’t also have like $328,6203 to spend on skin products and treatments, so I’ll never know for sure.

If you’ve stuck around this long, I hope you’ve learned that in order to get great skin in our 80s (if you forgot, Martha Stewart is 81), then you’ll need to purchase a home where you can grow a garden, a juicer that costs about the same as a month’s worth of Seamless, and enough disposable income to poke, prod, and zap your face until it’s at a place where everyone just lets you go around saying you look like that because of your fucking green juice. Happy Friday.