Kourtney Kardashian’s new app is a disappointing subscription-based destination for content whose impossible goal is making your life a little more like Kourt’s. But among the boring recipes, makeup tutorials, and curated buying guides, there is an occasional treat. This week, it came in the form of a how-to video in which Kourtney taught viewers how to eat Kit Kats just like she does.
In a video entitled “6 Steps To Eating a Kit Kat,” she explains the “life-changing” method was taught to her by Kim (naturally), and that it “makes you eat less” given the amount of time it requires.
The six steps are:
- “Break off the piece, like one piece.”
- “Eat the chocolate off the end, and the other end.”
- “Eat the chocolate down each side.”
- “Pull the top layer off and eat that.”
- “Separate it again and eat the bottom piece.”
- “Then the best part is the middle piece, so you eat this middle piece, which is so good. And that’s it.”
“I guarantee if you do that once, you’ll never eat a Kit Kat any other way,” she promises. Earlier today, I decided to try the “guaranteed” method myself, and what I discovered will astound you.
I will happily use any excuse to eat a Kit Kat. Kit Kat advertising is so effective on me, that when I saw this commercial for the first time, I left my apartment immediately after it finished, walked to the nearest bodega, bought a Kit Kat, and ate it on the walk home. So. Because I am that kind of person, I gladly took Kourtney’s bait and wandered down the street to buy a Kit Kat on which to test her method.
Here’s the Kit Kat I purchased. It cost $1.25.
After ripping the package open, I broke me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar, thereby completing step one.
Next came biting all the chocolate off the small ends. This was an easy step, and revealed the bar’s iconic layered wafers in a way that pleased me. Just look at this perfectly designed candy bar:
Removing the chocolate from the other sides was slightly more difficult, but nothing my lower incisors weren’t capable of.
At this point, my fingers were covered in chocolate and the snack demon inside me wanted nothing more than to shove the entire segment into my mouth to satisfy his urges, but I overcame him and moved on to step four. That’s where things got tricky.
In Kourtney’s video, removing the top and bottom wafers from the nearly naked Kit Kat segment is as easy as pulling up. But during my first attempt at separating them, I discovered the layers were more tightly bound together than expected.
My hands—hands I thought were delicate and incapable of violent acts—destroyed the Kit Kat.
But, as the late Aaliyah once said, “If at first you don’t succeed, break another piece off and try again.” So I did. And, roughly 40 calories later, step three was complete.
The top layer was gone, and I was feeling like a Kit Kat King—suddenly closer than ever to enjoying the fabled treasures of the center wafer, independent of its familial shell.
I pulled, but it wouldn’t budge.
I pulled harder. Still nothing.
I took a deep breath and pulled one last time, and...
No photos of my crumb-making disaster of a second attempt exist, as I was too overwhelmed by the demon’s cravings to take another. After shoving The Remains of the Wafe into my mouth, I gave the two leftover segments to my Kit Kat and Kourt-loving Koworkers, Kate Dries and Joanna Rothkpf.
Though Kate’s attempt also failed during the fourth step, Rothkopf was able to make it through all six. But despite her success, she says the end result was nowhere near as delectable as the elder Kardashian claimed. “The center was not the best,” Rothkopf said. “Kourtney is not right.”
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Images via Kourt / the author.