About one month ago, my coworker Joanna Rothkopf assumed the role of Features Editor at Jezebel dot com. Congratulations to her! This week, the Whole Foods Corporation randomly sent her a gift package of healthy snacks for no reason other than they probably wanted her to assign a feature on the Whole Foods Corporation.
Rothkopf immediately put the snacks inside the cabinet we call the “Trash Cabinet,” where we all share snacks with each other. It is called that because usually said snacks are industrial sized bags of gummies that Anna Merlan has ordered on Amazon (actually happened), family sized bags of gummies that I brought back from Copenhagen (until someone stole them in a still-unsolved snack crime) and regular sized bags of gummies that any one of us (but usually Merlan) fetches sometime in the afternoon.
Before the Whole Foods Corporation sent Rothkopf snacks, the last time we had a snack anywhere near resembling healthy was around November 2015, when some nut company sent us some nuts. I guess also there was a short stint after that where we got some diet mints that were meant to curb your appetite, but they only count because they were lower in calories and corn syrup than our usual snack of garbaggio.
Today, after eating a salad for lunch and then watching almost the entirety of a sadistic three-hour-long movie called Titanic, I needed a snack. And in the assortment of Rothkopf’s Whole Foods snacks, I found a granola by 365, Whole Foods’s generic yet still pricey house brand, that was listed as “limited edition.”
After briefly pondering why a granola had to be “limited edition,” the marketing of scarcity and exclusivity worked on me and I decided it would be better to eat than the sunflower seeds, plain rice chips (Jesus Christ) or quickly dwindling “pineapple tidbits.”
The limited edition nature of the granola was “Coconut Craze,” because it is “dedicated to those that are crazy for coconut!” (Nice grammar...) It boasts not just coconut flakes but “coconut palm sugar” and “expeller pressed coconut oil,’ which frankly doesn’t sound all that healthy. I poured about a quarter cup into the top of my salad bowl and ate it with my salad fork because I was too lazy to go downstairs and get a spoon. It was really good, probably because it was bad for me, but I still enjoyed it, even though it was basically just granola. Just wanna say, thank you Whole Foods for sending granola to my coworker that I then stole.
I also popped a multivitamin. Voilá.