I know it’s early, but I’m calling it. Artistic low point of the 21st century.

Meanwhile, Hugh Grant realizes he should never have fired Natalie for having too much juice in the caboose (MAINLY BECAUSE THAT IS ILLEGAL), and so it’s grand gesture time!!! He hops in the Misuse-of-government-funds-mobile and has the driver take him to Natalie’s street, where he knocks on every door looking for her, because apparently the UK government does not keep records of the contact information of recent employees AND ALSO THE PRIME MINISTER DOES NOT HAVE A CELL PHONE.


When Hugh Grant finally tracks Natalie down, her horrible family bullies him into accompanying them into the school Christmas play, but not before Natalie’s dad calls her “Plumpy” in front of the prime minister.


They begin to profess their “love” for one another in the car, but don’t get very far thanks to cock-blocktopus over here.

The pair sneaks backstage and starts making out during the big finale, only to have their “secret” tryst revealed when the curtain rises and they’re kissing in the middle of the set. Hey, prime minister, we all like making out with fat chicks, but WHY DON’T YOU EVER GO TO WORK? DON’T YOU HAVE AN ENGLAND TO RUN?


Colin Firth goes all the way home to London but as soon as he gets there he realizes he forgot his Portuguese sex slave on the baggage carousel or something. So he abandons Christmas dinner with his loving family and flies back to France. The one expression of genuine love in this movie and Colin Firth peaces-out to go hump a stranger.

He shows up at Aurelia’s front door and starts yelling at her father in shitty Portuguese. He’s like, “I am here to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage,” and the dad is like, “Say what!?” because he thinks Colin Firth means his other daughter, who is fat and gross, and that would obviously make no sense, because women who are slightly larger than some other women deserve to be alone forever unless they’re the size-6 kind of fake fat like Natalie. Then the dad offers to pay Colin Firth to take fat daughter off his hands. Colin Firth is like “Ew, no. I only want to purchase/marry HOT women I’ve never spoken to in my life.”


Once the truth gets sorted out, fat daughter says: “Father is about to sell Aurelia as a slave to this Englishman.”



Fat daughter: “You better not say ‘yes,’ father.”

The dad: “Shut up, Miss Dunkin’ Donut 2003.”


Oh, also Jojen Reed has now chased Joanna all the way to the airport, where he’s broken through security and is leading agents on a “wacky” chase to the gate.


I feel like this scene would have been way less wacky if that was a brown kid instead of a white one.

Colin Firth and this entire French village (who, again, apparently all speak only Portuguese) finally arrive at the restaurant where Aurelia works. Rumors are running wild among the crowd at this point:

“Apparently he is going to kill Aurelia!”



When they get there, Aurelia looks horrified and is like, “What the fuck are you doing at my work!? I don’t even know you, dude! Get out of here! Oh my god, I’M TRYING TO RUN A RESTAURANT HERE. GO AWAY, YOU CREEPY ENGLISHMAN.”


No. Just kidding. She agrees to fucking marry the guy. Forever. Even though they have never spoken.


In a painfully fitting finale, Colin returns from America with the woman he got. He literally brings her back to England with him like a fucking airport souvenir. But don’t worry, Tony, HE IMPORTED AN OBJECT WITH NO AGENCY FOR YOU TOO. HERE, PUT YOUR MOUTH ON IT.


That’s love, kids.

Oh, wait. Actually, it’s shit.