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I Put Off Adulthood by Literally Shitting in a Diaper for All My 20s

Image via Shutterstock/art by Bobby Finger.
Image via Shutterstock/art by Bobby Finger.

Goo goo ga ga. I want a memoir deal so let’s talk about how being a grownup is hard! Wah wah wah!

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Sometimes I wake up in my bed and I think “Ugh, work! Ugh, commuting! Ugh, my mom is getting old!” and then I’m like, “Why bother with adulthood” and then I decide to avoid it by being a baby. I be baby by shitting my pants.

I like being baby. Baby no have to exercise and baby no understand how to relate to other people in an appropriate way, but that’s okay because she is baby and no one gets mad or frustrated at baby. Baby don’t know how to feed herself so baby just cry and cry until someone puts food in her mouth.

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Maddie Baby does not have to deal with her overwhelming social anxiety issues in a productive way because Maddie Baby just cry and cry. Please cradle Maddie Baby. Her diap-y is stinky and she needs your help.

Oh, no. It’s the IRS and they’ve come to tell Baby that she still has to pay her taxes no matter how many personal essays she writes on how adulting is hard. Please send Baby money or baby go to jail.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

supernova1313
Supernova: Bullshit Jedi

I cannot be the only one here who every now and again while sitting at home relaxing suddenly has the panic thought:

“Oh shit! I forgot to do my homework!”

Which is then quickly replaced by:

“You’re in your 30's now dumbass...”

Please tell me I’m not. Please.