I Pity The Luz: For Jesus, The End Is Nigh

Jesus Luz, the chiseled stud who’s resided on Madonna’s arm for the past year or so, is ostensibly living the good life. So why do I feel sorry for him?

In an interview with Daily Beast, Luz confesses, “Many times I asked God why he has given me so much.” Without bringing religion into it, this quote makes me cringe a little. Then, when Luz talks about first meeting Madonna during a shoot they did for W, I start cringing a lot:

“It was a dividing of the waters, with a renowned magazine, a top photographer, and an artist like Madonna,” he says. “It was very influential on my life.”

Influential — you think? It wasn’t just “influential,” young Jesus — it’s the reason you even have the life you do right now. Thanks to Madonna’s reflected glow, Luz is one of the faces of Dolce & Gabbana, he’s got access to some of the most powerful people in the world, and he’s generally living at a level of luxury most of us plebs could only dream of.

But the catch, obviously, is that this is all because of Madonna, which Luz doesn’t really acknowledge. Is that because he doesn’t want to state the obvious, or he just doesn’t want to even accept it? Sure, Jesus deserves some credit for getting to this point — after all, he could’ve declined Madonna’s advances (can you imagine how that might’ve gone down?). For all we know, he’s a climber who saw an opportunity in Madge and jumped for it (alternately, he could really love her — he does seem to genuinely care about her, and he looks adorable with her kids on her lap).

In the meantime, Luz is smart enough to take advantage of his platform in order to promote his own talents — in particular, he wants to be a professional DJ. Except that doesn’t seem to be going so well: At one festival, a German DJ claimed that “Madonna’s fuck-toy” ripped off his set; during another set elsewhere, a beer was reportedly thrown in Luz’s face, pushing him to tears.

If that doesn’t make you feel badly for the guy, I don’t know what will. It’s only a matter of time before Madonna tires of his well-sculpted ass — and when that day comes, the public won’t necessarily be so receptive to Luz as an individual, and we doubt Madonna’s will pay him boy-toy alimony. Alas, it’s all downhill from here.