

Welcome to Dear Jane, Jezebel’s new advice column.
Dear Jane,
I recently got out of what I can only describe as a terribly abusive friendship with a person I will call “Jerry.” Over the course of about six years, I was gaslit, abused, had my mental illness encouraged/fetishized, and basically informed that he was the only person who was qualified to be my best friend. When everything fell apart, I had no idea who I even was, but luckily I’ve gotten much better.
Not too long ago, Jerry decided to insert himself into the rather tumultuous relationship between one of his best friends (Derek) and said best friend’s girlfriend (Mary). Mary has an extreme case of borderline personality disorder, and it wasn’t hard for Jerry to convince Mary that not only is Derek obviously abusive, but also that Jerry was the only person uniquely qualified to save her from her abuser…and he would only really do if it she slept with him. This imploded into a spectacular hate-filled fallout between Jerry and…well, everyone, and now Jerry and Mary are together.
Jane, I know that this has nothing to do with me, but Jerry’s actions legitimately terrify me. On top of him going around and claiming that Derek is horribly abusive (which isn’t true, as Facebook messages between Jerry and Mary making sure to get their lies straight have also surfaced), while also setting things up so that she feels as though no one understands their “love.” He also has romanticized her borderline personality disorder to the point where I do not believe she is seeking therapy for it anymore.
Like I said, I know that this has nothing to do with me, but he has managed to slander a friend and made sure that a mentally ill girl is isolated and dependent on me. I feel an almost moral obligation to help at this point, but I don’t believe that anything I say will be listened to (she is pretty convinced that I have something against her, although I just feel bad for her). Is there anything for me to do? If not, how do I learn to let go of the anger that springs from a person doing horrible things but not receiving a single repercussion for their actions?
Thank you for taking the time to read this insanely long letter.
Powerless in Paramus
Dear PIP,
You’re right: this has nothing to do with you. Also it is all very gross and I don’t understand why you’re entangling yourself in it. Oh, wait, yes I do! It’s for one of two reasons:
- You love the drama/schadenfreude of it all. Just like the drama of reality television can make us all feel a little less crazy, watching this go down between your “friends” brings excitement to your life while also affording you the opportunity to feel like the least insane person in the room, which is a great feeling! But it’s incorrect. What well-balanced person would care this much about an abusive ex-friend who fucked some lady in order to mind-control her, let alone what those two people are saying in private messages exchanged on Facebook? It’s interesting for maybe like five minutes during a conversation among girlfriends over Korean BBQ but then drop it and let’s talk about something else that is less gross. You mentioned you have a mental illness, but not which type. I think bringing it up in therapy should be the first thing you do.
- You are lonely.
So, aside from talking to your mental health provider, what can you do? First, block them all on Facebook (or delete your account if you wanna go all in). Cut these people completely out of your mind and life. To misquote Dirk Calloway, “With friends like these, who needs friends?” Which brings me to my second idea:
Stop worrying about having friends by both embracing solitude and picking up a hobby that gets you out in the world in a way that allows for human interaction but not necessarily enmeshment with other people. You’re sitting at a distance right now from a place where you can establish healthy boundaries with other people, so until that gets sorted in therapy let’s focus our efforts elsewhere. Do you love your home? Make it a place you love so that when you are there alone you can enjoy your surroundings. Now think of things you like to do there—cooking, reading, knitting, jerking off, whatever—and indulge yourself in those activities. Then think of things you like to do out in the real world and do the same. And keep working on you. You’re clearly a caring person with loads of empathy and emotional depth. Doesn’t that person sound like a way better friends than these garbage clowns?