I Can't Stop Looking at Suzanne Somers's $8 Million, Zebra-Upholstered Sex Nest

Illustration for article titled I Can't Stop Looking at Suzanne Somers's $8 Million, Zebra-Upholstered Sex Nest
Image: Jon Kopaloff (Getty Images)

Suzanne Somers is selling her house. Or her mansion, or love den, or Palm Springs safari excursion by way of Victorian London. It’s a choose your own adventure game of conflicting design philosophies!

Realtor.com lists the seven bedroom, 10 bathroom house at $8.5 million. It boasts 72 acres and over 7200 square feet, with amenities like four villas, a “dramatic dressing area,” natural rock walls, a butler’s quarters, a 2000-plus bottle wine cellar, and outdoor showers. Per the official listing description:

One of the most prolific estates in The Mesa neighborhood, Bellosguardo, architect AIA 1924 has not changed hands in close to 45 years! Nestled on more than 28 acres of prime Palm Springs land, this grand estate sits at the base of Mt. San Jacinto.[...] Famed modernist architect Albert Frey designed The Rock House villa of the estate, which features a 2-room suite with walls of glass, fireplace, hand-carved Balinese garden doors, claw-foot tub, rock shower and meditation garden.

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The Three’s Company star reportedly bought the estate in 1993 for $190,000, which feels like a sick joke. In 2017 it was listed for $14 million, and has since been dramatically reduced in price. I’m sure the furniture has nothing to do with it.

Maybe that’s rude. Some, like my colleague Megan Reynolds, has described the accompanying photos as “my dream.” To each their own! To begin with, a prime feature of the house is its dramatic zebra print rugs and furniture skirts. The exposed wood roofing also adds a nice flair, as do various floor-to-ceiling sex curtains on each secret hideaway. The ambiance is certainly unmatched, and the aesthetic travels into one of the many master-esque bedrooms, complete with more furniture skirts and wrought-iron candelabras. Imagine the sort of room a televised murder mystery might begin and end in, only it’s the Lifetime channel and not something self-serious on HBO.

I’m particularly fond of Somers’s luminescent pink walls that travel from room to room. In the bathroom they are paired with teal shower tiles, a motif which carries into the marble—or is it granite?—that encircles the tub. There is also a wrought-iron filigree that covers the window and adds a touch of whimsy. And don’t forget: Somers loves a zebra rug on every possible floor surface.

I’m not so fond of one particular dining room, as it looks ripped out of an old-timey ghost story about evil Victorians, but the furniture skirts are, again, everywhere, as are the lime green accent tablecloths. Even the spooky paintings of dead people have their own lighting setup!

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The other dining room is more of the same “Victorian sex murder” aesthetic, although true to her design integrity, she kept the chandelier, furniture skirts, and lime green accents consistent. I can’t tell, however, if the tablecloth on the expansive wooden table is patterned, or if it is a doily with the same square footage as my apartment. Having taken a break from the zebra and lime green, I quite enjoy the rug and exposed stone walls in the master bedroom in one of Somer’s four villas. The stone stacked walls look ready-made to kill someone should they trip on all the loose linens hanging about.

The crowning achievement, however, is her main living room, which stands like an obelisk jutting up from the Palm Desert, upon which is written the names of every late century sitcom actress turned sex maven and self-help book author. Godspeed on the sale, Somers! May the gods of green and zebra bless you in all her future endeavors.

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DISCUSSION

tonightimlivinginafantasy
tonight, living in a fantasy

Joan, honey, I don’t know what you were looking at, but that house was gorgeous. The way you described it was nothing like what it looked like. I mean, sex curtains? Where?? From your description I was half expecting a sex swing to prominently feature in one of the bedrooms. Sure it has a ton of zebra print rugs, but they look fine, thematic. And there’s some velvet. But mostly that’s just rich old lady style.

Either you are feeling exceptionally depressed these days and it’s coming out in your writing, or you are just trolling to neg us into clicking and reading. If it’s the first, please go for a walk or do some yoga or find a therapist. I usually love your writing, and loved your dirt bags when they were kind of weird and extra snarky, because idgaf about celebrities and trippy word puzzles are fun. But lately you’re getting darker and darker and it’s not as fun. Sending you hugs, because I think you need one.