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I Am (Yet Again) Not in This Year's Erotic Carp Calendar, Nor Am I in Their Calendar Devoted to Women BBQing Nude

Images via Hendrik Pöhler.
Images via Hendrik Pöhler.

As you may or may not know (I hope you do know, given the severity of the situation at this point), for the past few years, I have expressed the desire to be asked to be a featured model in the (according to the calendar’s blurb on Amazon, and my heart) “cult fishing calendar” the Carponizer Erotic Carp Fishing Calendar, published by a man named Hendrik Pöhler.

Last year, Hendrik and I corresponded, but I did not appear to be much closer to achieving my goal. This year, I am still on his contact list—promising—though things have developed further, and not necessarily in the direction I would have liked. You see, Hendrik and his friends also publish an erotic barbecuing calendar, and I also have never been asked to model for that.

“Hello,” Hendrik wrote to just me and me alone, “the new Carponizer Carp Calendar 2018 is available, perhaps you are interested in a story. If you want, I can send you free sample.” He then enclosed several stunning images of, as we have come to expect, some nude women with some fish. (See above.)


I was out of the office when this missive was sent to me, but I was not away when the following note was sent, which really sent the message home that I had been excluded from even more festive nudity. “Hello,” Hendrik wrote. “We have a second calendar. It’s a barbecue calendar. You can have a look here. Perhaps you are also interested in an article? I also can share you some 2-3 videos. You can have a look on our Facebook page.”

At first, I was thrown. The fish was one thing, but now the red meat??????????????? Now BBQ-Chicks Grillkalender 2018????????????????????? I would not be the subject of such Facebook captions as “Dana is preparing us a delicious chicken [smily face emoji] Which of you is using his rotisserie too [smily face emoji]”?????????????????????????????

Illustration for article titled I Am (Yet Again) Not in This Years Erotic Carp Calendar, Nor Am I in Their Calendar Devoted to Women BBQing Nude

I continue to share this story with you all only because this experience has provided me some much-needed perspective on life. You might never accomplish your original dreams, but, most comfortingly, those dreams are likely to change. You see, you may start with fish, but end up wanting beef.

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I cod not help but have my trouts, Kate. I f-eel like salmon is catfishing you.