I wanted to take a moment to address my supporters, but I have to confess that I’m struggling to find the right words. I’m overwhelmed, which I hope you can understand. I live a relatively quiet life in a remote forest, so you can imagine my surprise when a drone-captured image of me eating a small child at the entrance of my cave went viral. I was doubly surprised that upon seeing the image, people on the internet concluded that they wanted to fuck me. Me, an immortal witch who has feasted on the bones of children for thousands of years? Me, an avowed cannibal and up-and-coming columnist at Jezebel and the Federalist?
I even got a nickname: “CannibalBae.” I was humbled to say the least.
First and foremost: thank you to everyone for all the love and support. I am still getting used to this—whatever this might be. I just want to be a light in the world while also stealing children from their homes and eating them in my cave, and I realize that being considered hot by some people on the internet is my path. I of course want to use my new platform to inspire young women to also eat children, but honestly my main goal is to inspire all people to eat children. That I look hot while eating children isn’t why I eat children, but if this is what people respond to—well, then I’ll take it as an opportunity to advocate for my passions. (Eating children.)
Hot. It’s so strange to type. The words I’m hot feel foreign on my tongue! Still, I’m not caught up on being considered hot. I just want to inspire others. I want my child-eating to let every person on this planet know that they can also devour children in their own caves.
And as much as I’m at the center of all of this attention right now, I think it’s important to give a shoutout to the women who came before me and lit my path. To women like Ivanka Trump, Border Patrol Chief Carla Provost, and countless others I am surely forgetting to name (I’m nervous!)—please know that I stand on your shoulders. This moment is ours to share.