How to Watch Porn, According to Shutterstock

First things first: Take some block letters—dig around in your child’s toy box, if necessary—and spell out your intentions: P-O-R-N-V-I-D-E-O-S. Place this special creation in front of your laptop like an incantation. Wait. Sip your coffee. Glance at your sticky note. Feel a wave of relief knowing that you’re about to cross off that first urgent to-do: watch Internet Porn.

Hmm. Nothing? Take some red lipstick and, if you’re a chiseled Russian hunk, write “PORN” in all-caps on your glistening pectorals. Look skyward in anticipated bliss. To speed things up, find an ornate column and perch on it in your tighty whities while reading a coverless book. The porn witches are stirring something up for you.

Maybe not. Backup plan: Click the button on your keyboard that reads “porn” or “sex” or “xxx.” (Tip: Some outdated keyboard models instead have the letters “p,” “o,” “r,” and “n” placed next to each other. In that case, press them sequentially.) If you have an iPad, you’re in luck: just select the “WATCH PORN” screen. (Back in my day, porn wasn’t available at your finger tips. You had to search through reams of code until you found “porn” spelled out amid a sea of “110001101.” These were more innocent times.)

Safety first: Grab a condom. Rest it on your keyboard. If you’re using your iPhone, you know what to do: pull that rubber over the entire device. Who knows what could happen or where that phone might go once the Internet Porn starts.

Ohhh yeaaah, here’s where things get good. The word “PORN” should be reflecting on your hungry eyeballs right about now. Those letters—so big, so bold, so bad. If you’re lucky maybe you’ll come across a scintillating image of three red-hot letters reading “XXX.” I see you biting your lip. This shit is hot. So hot that you’re pulling that sexy, overripe banana out of your pants. It’s peeling. You’re peeling it. The banana. Fuuuck yeaaah.

Your nose starts bleeding. It’s natural. Don’t panic. It happens to all of us when we become aroused by Internet Porn, that intoxicating medium consisting solely of self-referential text.

I don’t want to alarm you, but sometimes Internet Porn is so stimulating that it causes us to damage our peeled banana. You squish it. Maybe you decapitate it. Or eat it. I don’t know, I’m not judging, I’m not asking questions. Just know that you’re not alone: We’ve all had to bandage our banana and then break out the measuring tape to assess the damage.

At this point, your computer is probably surrounded by soiled tissues. That’s perfectly okay and nothing of which to be ashamed. Banana mush is just the fibrous, fleshy byproduct of pleasure.

Now here is the most important part: grab some Cheetos. Find your shrinking ray. Render yourself the size of a model-train person. Lounge on one of said Cheetos. Internet Porn ecstasy is yourrrsss.