How to Tell If a Lady Will Hump You, Based On the Book She's Reading

Listen up, traveling gentleman: there’s a very scientific link between the books ladies read on vacation and their willingness to “put out,” as explained in this “Summer Reading Guide for Single Men.” If only Jack Kerouac and Ernest Hemingway had this gamechanging knowledge at their fingertips! Read on to determine whether a woman reading BossyPants will get into yours.

We get a lot of ridiculous press releases here at Jezebel*, but this one from MissTravel.com —”Does Her Reading Material Reflect Her Willingness to Put Out?” — is truly something special. You may recall Miss Travel as the website that brings sugar daddies and sexy globetrotters together; go on enough trips with creepy rich dudes and you can earn points to fly solo. Naturally, Miss Travel is the visionary behind this new study “that finds a link between what a woman is reading while she is traveling and her willingness to indulge in a casual hookup.”

91 percent of the 47,230 women who supposedly (sorry, still trying to resist the premise that this actually happened) participated in the study, which “consisted of a series of relationship, travel and reading material questions over the course of six weeks,” purchase all of their travel reading material at the airport. (Which is terrifying! I now plan on covertly rearranging all of the airport bookstore displays next time I’m heading out of town so vacationers feel compelled to purchase Renata Adler’s recently reissued novels instead of Twilight.)

“We found it interesting that most women only read when they are traveling,” says Brandon Wade, Founder & CEO of MissTravel.com. “We wanted to take that information and see if we could find meaning behind the books they choose, and use it help the guide man in his search for romance abroad.”

If the lady of your regressive, heteronormative dreams is a “Blockbuster Reader” — meaning she’s reading The Great Gatsby, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Anna Karenina or Silver Linings Playbook — “she’s probably hooked up with a stranger before, and history often repeats itself.”

Chance she’s DTF (their choice of acronym, not ours): Odds are 3 to 1.

If she’s a “Fan Girl” reading Divergent or Game of Thrones, “she is probably willing and able, but is looking for more than just a one time thing.” Because “the girls who flock to trilogies and book series get wholly invested in the characters in their books. If they are looking for a long term relationship with their literature, you can bet that they will be looking for a commitment from you too.” Are you taking notes? This is some complicated shit.

Chance she’s DTF: Odds are 2 to 1 with strings attached. Bummer.

If she’s an “undersexed romantic” reading Fifty Shades or Crossfire, “she’s looking to be rescued from a loveless, passionless love life.” Duh.

Chance she’s DTF: Odds are 2 to 1.

If she’s into “humorous biographies” and reading BossyPants or Is Everyone Hanging Out With Out Me?, it could go either way. “Women reading these books are the most difficult group of women to make assumptions about,” the press release explains. “According to the results of the study, 46 percent of women admitting to hooking up with a stranger on a past vacation, but only 33 percent admit to being open to a casual vacation fling.” Imagine that: a subset of women that defies inane stereotypes.

Chance she’s DTF: Odds are 4 to 1.

If she’s into mysteries and reading Gone Girl or 12th of Never, she “is probably more interested in the outcome of her book than hooking up with you.”

Chance she’s DTF: Odds are 7 to 1.

Sad face.

Ready, set, go latch onto that woman reading Anna Karenina because she’s a massive whore.

*I recently received a press release about “BBQ wine” that opened with, “Whether it’s an intimate dinner with your beloved, entertaining long-lost family or an evening with your best buds…” Possibly written by the twins from The Parent Trap??