How To Spot The Slut: A Recipe For UC Students

Sluts – they’re everywhere. But how does one find the elusive loose woman of ill repute? Ripping an entire chapter from The AskMen Guide to Douchebaggery is UCSB student Johnny Valamehr, who penned this colorful guide. Observe:

Yes, you read it right; this article is all about how to find that promiscuous princess during a night out on the town. Men, if having a one night stand or same night sex is of interest to you – take some notes.

Oh, alliteration! I think I need a t-shirt with “Promiscuous Princess” screened on the front. But joking aside, Valamehr is clearly a master wordsmith. If you’re wondering what kind of publication would want a piece like this, let us direct you to Ole Today.

A group of students from the University of California, Santa Barbara started Ole Today in August, 2009. It appears to be the typical amateur publication, full of articles about whether the world will actually end in 2012 and sympathetic coverage of racist-themed parties. We wouldn’t waste the virtual ink, except for one thing: in his “humorous” piece, Valamehr is advocating some dangerous behavior.

However, first he clarifies exactly what he means by slut:

Now before I get into the meat of it (pause), let me just make one thing clear – when I say slut, I am simply referring to a woman who is ready to be sexually adventurous and looking to hook up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Men and women alike have every right to identify what they want and go after it in the realm of dating (emphasis his).

Memo to asshats everywhere with woefully misguided ideas about humor: just because women can call themselves sluts and claim it isn’t an insult doesn’t mean you can do it, too. It’s a derogatory term used to shame women for enjoying sex. Furthermore, Valamehr’s definition of slut is incredibly far-reaching. Basically any woman with a sex life could qualify (maybe this is this an example of the new prudeishness we’ve heard so much about).

Once he gets that disclaimer out of the way, Valamehr gives us a rundown of the behavior that indicates a girl who is DTF. Unfortunately for his readers, any guy who follows his advice is almost certain to come across as the biggest creep in the universe. Or worse. Valamehr suggests men look for women who are A. Alone at a bar and B. Smoking or doing drugs. His insistence that women who smoke cigarettes are more likely to be sexually free reads like something straight out of the Gatsby-era, but far more importantly, telling men to seek out lone women who are drinking heavily is simply not a good idea. This is predatory behavior. He even acknowledges that the “slut” may be looking to “forget her woes” – and what’s sexier than a sad chick, amIrightbra? He goes on to say:

Whenever a woman is interested in risk taking behavior, she is usually interested in having a good time through a lot of other means. If she smokes a stogey, she’ll probably smoke your dick, too. And with drugs, many women use them as a form of escapism combined with plausible deniability to have a good time, such as “Oh my god I was so fucked up, it just happened”. We know you wanted it to happen, no need to front Ms. Daisy.

Drinking – or using drugs – is not an invitation to have sex. Neither is tilting your head to the side (another “sign” of a slut). And telling guys to actively seek out women so wasted they will need to somehow excuse their own behavior is irresponsible. You know who looks for drunk, unhappy women, alone at the bar without any female friends? Rapists. Furthermore, “we know you wanted it to happen” is practically their mantra. So while we would like to point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex (even drunk casual sex), there is something very wrong with this seduction technique. Any man dumb and inept enough to follow Valamehr’s advice will end up coming off as a total creep – at worst, he could end up behind bars.