How to Find and Keep an Unemployed Boyfriend

Not to brag, but I’ve spent years of my life with various Unemployed Boyfriends. None of them were lazy (well one of them was lazy); they’d just been dealt a shitty hand or were trying to make it in an industry that just wasn’t that into them. The good news is that, as far as I’m (intermittent Facebook stalk) aware, they’re okay now, working jobs that don’t make them feel bad about themselves and making comfortable amounts of money, which they probably spend taking nice ladies out to dinner and various date-type jaunts.

Because of my extensive experience with Unemployed Boyfriends, I’ve learned a thing or two about where to find them and how to keep them happy (or at least keep them from going off the deep end and going back to school to — shudder — get their MFAs). And now, as a companion piece to your standard-issue sugar daddy-finding primer piece, I’m sharing my wisdom on finding and keeping an Unemployed Boyfriend… with you. No need to thank me. Your stunned silence is its own reward.

WHERE TO FIND THEM

Finding an Unemployed Boyfriend is really, really easy — they’re the ones who are outside during the day. But they tend to congregate in the following locations:

COFFEE SHOPS WITH FREE WIFI
As a person who sometimes works from home, I can state with confidence that extended periods of working and sleeping in the same place feels a little like wearing the same pajamas for a week. So if a guy doesn’t have a job and he just wants to get the apartment stink off him, he’ll head to his local caffeine hub for a change of scenery and some free internet. Offer to buy him something. Or, “casually” leave a small fancy drink on the corner of his table. Surprise! Your phone number is written on the side!

IN LINE FOR FREE EVENTS
The problem with free events is that they’re clusterfucks. Why? Because they’re the only thing a lot of people can afford. Lucky for you, this means around-the-block lines for free events are DATEAPALOOZAS teeming with Unemployed Potential Boyfriends.

LOCATIONS WHERE INDIVIDUALS DONATE BODILY FLUIDS IN EXCHANGE FOR MONEY
Sperm banks, blood banks. Any kind of bank as long as it’s not a money bank. Because your future Unemployed Boyfriend needs money.

OPEN MICS/IMPROV CLASS
If you’re looking for an Unemployed Boyfriend who is also probably slightly unhinged, look no further than comedy open mics and intro to improv classes. Nothing says “Something about my life is in complete shambles” like a guy who recently decided to go into comedy.

[This isn’t to say that a lady should never date a comedian; I’m dating a comedian and he’s pretty much the best (DUDE, I KNOW YOU’RE READING THIS), and, I’ve met plenty of nice, decent people who do comedy. I’m just saying that people who have very recently heeded comedy’s siren call are usually doing it because they can’t afford therapy. Because they don’t have jobs. SCORE, YOU!]

HUMAN STATUE GATHERING PLACES
My roommate’s former roommate was a human statue in Union Square. That was what he did to earn money. While it’s hard to hit on a human statue while they’re working (“arting”), if you stick around long enough, they’ll be done for the day. That’s when you make that human statue into a 2 person act. With sex.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR UNEMPLOYED BOYFRIEND HAPPY

DON’T ASK HIM WHEN HE’S GOING TO GET A JOB
Your Unemployed Boyfriend probably has low self esteem; being unemployed when you don’t want to be murders the shit out of a person’s self-confidence. So the best way to keep Your Unemployed Boyfriend from getting sad at you is to pretend that a “job” was just a made-up concept that didn’t matter if you weren’t paying attention. Like the BCS, or the Real Housewives.

NEVER UPSET HIS DELICATE FEELINGS
I once pretended to be delighted when an Unemployed Boyfriend told me he was going to take a month to “work on his novel.” Good for him. Following his dreams.

Unfortunately, my Unemployed Boyfriend didn’t work on his novel. He played Wii so much that he injured his elbow and he masturbated so much that he hurt his penis. This is a true story. But, uh, we didn’t break up until much later. So, Unemployed Boyfriend successfully kept.

LEAVE SHIT AROUND THE HOUSE SO HE CAN CLEAN IT UP AND FEEL USEFUL
The Thought Catalog sugar daddy guide advises “sugar babies” (runs to bathroom, immediately takes shower while crying) to keep his house neat and tidy and cook and clean for the “daddy” like a helpy little sexdaughter. The inverse must therefore be true if you’re going out with someone who doesn’t have a job. He wants to feel useful. Let him take the trash out, or wash the dishes, or clean the hair out of your shower drain.

There you have it. Selection and maintenance of Unemployed Boyfriends. Dating a guy without a job might not get you the lifestyle to which you feel entitled, but at least you won’t have to refer to him as your “daddy.”