How To Convince The Public That You Didn't Sexually Harass Anybody

Yesterday it came to light that Herman Cain, the Dr. Hibbert of the 2012 Republican Presidential field, was accused of sexually harassing two female employees who worked for the organization he headed during the 1990s. His campaign has admitted that Cain was accused, but vehemently insists the allegations were baseless. Has the damage already been done? Here’s how Herman Cain can convince a skeptical America that the only thing perverted about him is his pervertedly dumb tax plan, and that the only inappropriate thing he’s done was consider pizza-making relevant to political candidacy.

Talk about the fact that you have a wife.

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper; it’s a magical ceremony that renders one physically incapable of acting like a scumbag toward other women. The more you insist that you’re totally in love with your wife, the more true it must be (see also: Clinton, Bill; Schwarzenegger, Arnold; Edwards, John; Gore, Al). If necessary, have your drunk dial the woman or women accusing you of sexual harassment and leave a voice mail demanding an apology (see also: Thomas, Clarence and Thomas, Virginia).

Have your people arrange for you to be photographed being extra respectful of women.

Many wheelchair bound grandmothers could stand to be gently strolled down the street without being told an off-color joke. Get a picture of yourself resisting the urge to slap a female police officer’s ass as you walk past her, and send it to the Wall Street Journal. Try setting up a photo-op with Katy Perry wherein you’re not staring directly at her breasts. Have a barbecue where you wear one of those novelty aprons that looks like an impossibly curvy woman’s body, except draw a pantsuit over the skin with magic marker and wear a nametag that reads “LADY CEO.” Write a giant check to an organization called “Respect, Incorporated” and present it to Miss America.

Lots of possibilities here.

Begin sexually harassing men, or pets.

Compliment a male reporter on his big, bouncy opinions. Tell other candidates that you’d love to rub your hands all over their jobs plans. Shout, “That is one fine bitch!” when you see a handsome female Chocolate Lab at one of your rallies. If everyone’s getting sexually harassed, it’s kind of like no one’s getting sexually harassed.

Prove that the woma(e)n accusing you of sexual harassment is/are (a) liar(s).

It’s really easy to prove that a woman is a liar, especially if you’re a rich guy, because it is a scientific fact that women love lying about things in order to get money from rich guys. Has she ever had sex? Has she ever needed money? Has she ever gotten in trouble with the law for anything at all? Is she divorced? Did she get money from a divorce? Is she unlikable in any way? Does one single human in the world think she might possibly be lying? Exploit that.

Go to rehab, and when you’ve emerged announce that you met Jesus when you were there, and He taught you how to not end every sentence with a wiggle of your eyebrows and an “… in my bed” addendum.

Rehab has turned into a great way to absolve yourself of agency in the jerky ways you’ve acted; if you’re a “sex addict” instead of just a “philandering jerk crying crocodile tears because he got caught,” you’re way easier to forgive. Finding religion suddenly also removes agency for bad decisions made prior to the finding of religion (see Bush, George W.).. Finding religion while in rehab allows you to blame both a disease and Satan on your prior poor behavior. You’ve got yourself some forgiveness from both the atheists and the born-agains. Good work, no-fault guy!

When all else fails, convince the public that your ability to sexually harass others is a positive attribute.

The economy needs someone at the helm that will belittle and intimidate it into behaving in the way that we want it to. And there’s nothing more belittling and intimidating than on-the-job sexual harassment. What about the Axis of Evil? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will certainly be more willing to negotiate with someone who flirts with him mercilessly. And repeated public statements about how hot Taliban members look while they’re running around with their guns will terrorize the terrorists…sexually.