Unable to sleep last night, I crawled into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich using some weed-infused peanut butter and jelly. (Thanks, California!) Most of the time, this will do the trick and promptly knock me the fuck out. Unfortunately, that did not happen. Instead of drifting off into a quiet, dreamless sleep, I was awoken sometime around 2 a.m., sweaty and unable to move, with the hot breath of my sleep paralysis demons cascading over my face. I was gripped with terror, lying there, my waking nightmares hunched over and ready to ruin my peaceful slumber. Despite the darkness or the fear that gripped me, I opened my eyes, faintly tracing their outline. Even in the darkness, I was shocked at how oddly similar they looked to Kim and Kourtney Kardashian!
For the blissfully unaware, it is Paris Fashion Week. It’s a generally unimportant affair, involving a horde of stylists and models and photographers and celebrities and fashion designers all figuring out what to do with themselves now that Phoebe Philo is jobless and Jean Paul Gaultier isn’t making clothes anymore. It’s also a place where Kim Kardashian, and her gaggle of less famous sister-coworkers, is photographed frequently. With Kim returning for the third year since getting robbed in 2016, this go-around has been no different. Even the clothes are the same, if only for one small difference. The leopard catsuit monstrosities she wore last year have been traded in for shit-colored latex condoms and adult diapers!
I’m sure a case could be made for how wrong I am about these outfits. Were Kim to sue me, it’d certainly be a good use of her rigorous law school studying! Still, I am willing to gamble what little fashion credentials I have on loudly proclaiming how ugly these clothes are. I get the “idea” behind them—long has Kim’s fashion schtick been finding news ways to appear naked, while not actually being naked. But the risk of schtick is that eventually, it grows boring. Tiresome even!
Kim has already worn every variation of a catsuit with a belted jacket. By default, any new venture into this territory must be sublime. This is anything but! Whether intentionally or not, the jacket is definitely not the same color as the catsuit, but close enough that it destroys her proportions. I’m also perplexed why you’d have a skin-tight catsuit covered up by a loosely fitting wrap-jacket? Even the gloves don’t fit properly! And paired with the severe bob and matchy-matchy lipstick, she ends up looking like a loose-fitting condom with a wig glued on.
Kim later stepped out with Kourtney in some unfortunately colored ensembles, both looking like the condoms of my worst topping experiences post-anal sex. At least Kourtney committed to her ensemble, allowing for some modicum of a skin-tight latex fantasy. Kim, meanwhile, wore the same outfit, except in the shade of yellow most akin to diarrhea. Worse, the similar-but-just-slightly-different-colored jacket cuts her ass off in the middle, giving it the proportions of an adult diaper.
It’s moments like this that make me miss Kim pre-Kanye West, before he threw away her favorite NOBU ensembles and step-and-repeat friendly bandage dresses. In another life, what do you think she’d be wearing to Los Angeles Fashion Week? (Do you really think she’d still be going to Paris were it not for Kanye?) I’d like to imagine that she would still be dressing like a San Fernando Valley Maxxinista wilding out with her husband’s credit cards.