Image: Carnival

Cruise ships, to me, are synonymous with sea sickness. I went on one in my youth, and my defining memory from that trip is the unshakeable, constant nausea that kept me from eating or otherwise enjoying myself in any way for the duration of the time we were seabound; a real shame considering the 24-hour all-you-can-eat ice cream bar. I’ve never been even tempted by the idea of going on one again.

Even reading the news that Carnival is preparing to debut the first-ever roller coaster at sea makes my stomach curl up in a ball like a scared pangolin. But as usual, it turns out not everyone feels like I do, and some people think this sounds “fun.”

 According to People, BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster “will feature 800 feet of track reaching speeds of nearly 40 mph. The coaster will stretch around Carnival’s iconic red funnel, offering riders 360-degree views of the water 187 feet above sea level.” These may read like words to you, but when I read them, all I see is the pea soup scene in The Exorcist. If I were forced to ride this, my sincere hope would be that I’d be ejected from my seat and into the ocean, where I’d lasso a kindly dolphin and ask it to drop me off at the nearest beachside tiki bar where I belong.

Making matters worse is the fact that the Mardi Gras (that’s the ship’s name, duh) will also feature, among other things, a Guy Fieri Guy’s Burger Joint, which sounds like a terrible thing to have to revisit once BOLT: Ultimate Sea Coaster is done throwing you around like a sack of ice that needs to be broken up.

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Anyway, you probably don’t need a roller coaster to spend an afternoon vomiting at sea, since seemingly every time you hear about a cruise it’s in the same sentence as “norovirus.” If you’re going to put yourself through all that, for god sake, at least choose the Golden Girls one!