Jane!
I always knew I wasnāt likely to get married or even find a good dude; I always counted on my friends.
Then they got married. Then they moved away. We still hang out and talk regularly so weāre cool, my problem is with my local friends.
My closest local friend who I always used to do everything with is also recently married but has clung to a socialite life that Iām far from. Heās wowed by fake people because of their money and status.
I canāt get over how he doesnāt wanna hang out with me! I canāt get him to call me back, wanna hang out beyond a quick lunch date or do friend shit ever.
Iāve tried to bring it up to him but he thinks itās a joke. Making friends in my area is super difficult because itās a very family oriented placeāif you arenāt part of the group already or are related to someone in said group youāre dangerous. Help! I miss laughing my ass off with my friend and I miss people! Even my work environment is solo.
Dear Lady Who Didnāt Sign Her Letter,
First off, what are you, Amish? Get thee away from that computer, young woman! (Thatās a joke that I can make because Amish people will never see it, which is another joke about Amish people. Levels!) But seriously, I think you should consider moving because this town sounds like it suuucks.
Second off, how and why did you always know you wouldnāt get married or find a good dude? Thatās a lot of nasty self-talk and a shitload of pressure to put on friends and acquaintances. Some friends are family, and some arenāt. If you want your friends to be stand-ins for a romantic significant other or others, youāre going to be perpetually disappointed. Trust me when I say there are good dudes out there. Good enough. Not GREATāIād never go that far, because everyone sucks at least a little bit, including you and Iābut good and tolerable and yet still dudes somehow. They exist and if you open your heart and mind to the possibility of a romance with one of them, you might find one, but you certainly wonāt with your current outlook. Good dudes are not attracted to people who think they cannot possibly be good dudes. Crazy dudes are, though, so watch out!
Last off, his wife probably told him to stop hanging out with you, duh. Which means you are attractive which means you can find a partner which means your friends can have a little time off from taking care of that need which means theyāll want to hang out with you more.
Dear Jane,
I have an issue. My husband and I have been together for seven years. We are both in our 30s, working professionals. Considering my husband mentioned last week āI would just rather hang out with you than other peopleā I feel pretty safe that we are working as a couple that appreciates and likes/loves each other.
Our sex life ranges from AMAZING to meh and this is the issue. Occasionally my husband will be ready to go and we start to have sex and halfway through he loses his... spirit, haha. I try to not let it get to me but after it occurs he wants to keep trying to have sex and sometimes we try 3x a day to no avail. I get really upset because not only do I feel like I am killing his mood but also by the third time I just donāt.want.to.have.sex.anymore. Usually he is in a rush to have sex and many times I am barely in the mood. I will be a good sport and try for a while but usually I am so over it that I know that I am not being a very happy sexual partner. This is usually around once or twice a month.
I donāt know how to talk to my husband about this. I feel that saying āHi I am sorry I keep killing your boner and it makes me feel bad about myself and also I need you to pay more attention to foreplay with my when you want to keep trying because the sex is so demeaning that I get anxietyā is not the best way to broach the subject. When our sex is great itās GREAT but I donāt know how to let him know that a. I donāt know why he keeps losing his wind halfway through. Is it me? Does he need a doctor? and b. I need him to be a more attentive lover if he wants to have sex more than once a day!
My main concern is that he will think that heās bad at sex and so then he feels more pressure to performānot only to keep his boner but also to please me so I am not having a bad time. It feels like I am asking a lot and i am not sure if this is also something that happens to men and I shouldnāt freak out.
Please help!
Sincerely,
Hanging in there
Dear Hanging,
Let me get this straight: You donāt want to cause your partner any anxiety or worry so youāre just quietly suffering with your own anxiety and worry. No no! Listen, dicks are finicky motherfuckers. This is NOT your problem. This is actually 100 percent his problem and his responsibility to take care of. Heās an adult; heāll be fine. Just say, āOur sex life is a little, um, weak these days? You know what Iām talking about and you need to figure it out. I love you; call a doctor.ā It know this might sound like Iām oversimplifying or being too curt, but with stuff like this, itās best to just be direct and brief. Blurt it out one morning and go on about your business.
Iād wait until after he gets his boner back before addressing the foreplay stuff. If youāve had āGREATā sex in the past, fixing his dysfunction might solve all of your woes. It could be that heās in a rush to take advantage of the few minutes he stays hard, you know? Or it could be that heās a selfish asshole, but itāll be easier to call him out on that once things are in working order.
Dear Jane,
I have a very good friend getting married in a few weeks and havenāt landed on what the proper etiquette is for this situation. My boyfriend and I are spending thousands to fly to Europe for her wedding. I participated in the bachelorette (across the country), and though I am looking forward to this destination wedding, Iām not sure what gift to give. I typically give cold hard cash, but it feels gauche to be giving my friend ā who I am spending so much on ā well, money.
She has said she doesnāt expect a gift, but that doesnāt feel right either. Compared to some of her other bridesmaids, Iād say Iām the most budget-conscious. Iāve been saving for this wedding for a year and just canāt figure out what is appropriate for a wedding Iāve already invested a lot in. What thoughtful but under $100 thing can I do? Should I just write this off as the cost of a wedding and give money? Am I being cheap?
Thanks,
Bridesmaid on a Budget
Dear BOAB:
Make them something. I mean, I hate them so Iād make them a bag of my own vomit, but you still like them for some reason so you should go to Jo Annās and get a cute little piece of wood and some paint for $10 and draw a heart on it or some shit. They probably even have a ready-made canvas there with āHappily Ever Afterā written on it for you to color in. Also, download the Jo Annās app and I promise you there will be a 40 percent off coupon waiting for you in there. Now youāre only spending one million and six bucks on these short-sighted megalomaniacs. I canāt wait for their second weddings!
Have a question for Jane? Email her at dearjane@jezebel.com. Please change names and identifying info; this advice column unfortunately is not aimed at destroying lives.