How Do I Talk to My Husband About Our Erratic Sex Life?

Dear JaneWhat the FUCK is your problem? Write to me and I’ll help you figure it out! Dear Jane is a regular advice column here at Jezebel. I’ll take your questions, from the petty to the metaphysical, and dispense guidance.  

Jane!

I always knew I wasn’t likely to get married or even find a good dude; I always counted on my friends.

Then they got married. Then they moved away. We still hang out and talk regularly so we’re cool, my problem is with my local friends.

My closest local friend who I always used to do everything with is also recently married but has clung to a socialite life that I’m far from. He’s wowed by fake people because of their money and status.

I can’t get over how he doesn’t wanna hang out with me! I can’t get him to call me back, wanna hang out beyond a quick lunch date or do friend shit ever.

I’ve tried to bring it up to him but he thinks it’s a joke. Making friends in my area is super difficult because it’s a very family oriented place—if you aren’t part of the group already or are related to someone in said group you’re dangerous. Help! I miss laughing my ass off with my friend and I miss people! Even my work environment is solo.

Dear Lady Who Didn’t Sign Her Letter,

First off, what are you, Amish? Get thee away from that computer, young woman! (That’s a joke that I can make because Amish people will never see it, which is another joke about Amish people. Levels!) But seriously, I think you should consider moving because this town sounds like it suuucks.

Second off, how and why did you always know you wouldn’t get married or find a good dude? That’s a lot of nasty self-talk and a shitload of pressure to put on friends and acquaintances. Some friends are family, and some aren’t. If you want your friends to be stand-ins for a romantic significant other or others, you’re going to be perpetually disappointed. Trust me when I say there are good dudes out there. Good enough. Not GREAT—I’d never go that far, because everyone sucks at least a little bit, including you and I—but good and tolerable and yet still dudes somehow. They exist and if you open your heart and mind to the possibility of a romance with one of them, you might find one, but you certainly won’t with your current outlook. Good dudes are not attracted to people who think they cannot possibly be good dudes. Crazy dudes are, though, so watch out!

Last off, his wife probably told him to stop hanging out with you, duh. Which means you are attractive which means you can find a partner which means your friends can have a little time off from taking care of that need which means they’ll want to hang out with you more.

Dear Jane,

I have an issue. My husband and I have been together for seven years. We are both in our 30s, working professionals. Considering my husband mentioned last week “I would just rather hang out with you than other people” I feel pretty safe that we are working as a couple that appreciates and likes/loves each other.

Our sex life ranges from AMAZING to meh and this is the issue. Occasionally my husband will be ready to go and we start to have sex and halfway through he loses his... spirit, haha. I try to not let it get to me but after it occurs he wants to keep trying to have sex and sometimes we try 3x a day to no avail. I get really upset because not only do I feel like I am killing his mood but also by the third time I just don’t.want.to.have.sex.anymore. Usually he is in a rush to have sex and many times I am barely in the mood. I will be a good sport and try for a while but usually I am so over it that I know that I am not being a very happy sexual partner. This is usually around once or twice a month.

I don’t know how to talk to my husband about this. I feel that saying “Hi I am sorry I keep killing your boner and it makes me feel bad about myself and also I need you to pay more attention to foreplay with my when you want to keep trying because the sex is so demeaning that I get anxiety” is not the best way to broach the subject. When our sex is great it’s GREAT but I don’t know how to let him know that a. I don’t know why he keeps losing his wind halfway through. Is it me? Does he need a doctor? and b. I need him to be a more attentive lover if he wants to have sex more than once a day!

My main concern is that he will think that he’s bad at sex and so then he feels more pressure to perform—not only to keep his boner but also to please me so I am not having a bad time. It feels like I am asking a lot and i am not sure if this is also something that happens to men and I shouldn’t freak out.

Please help!

Sincerely,

Hanging in there

Dear Hanging,

Let me get this straight: You don’t want to cause your partner any anxiety or worry so you’re just quietly suffering with your own anxiety and worry. No no! Listen, dicks are finicky motherfuckers. This is NOT your problem. This is actually 100 percent his problem and his responsibility to take care of. He’s an adult; he’ll be fine. Just say, “Our sex life is a little, um, weak these days? You know what I’m talking about and you need to figure it out. I love you; call a doctor.” It know this might sound like I’m oversimplifying or being too curt, but with stuff like this, it’s best to just be direct and brief. Blurt it out one morning and go on about your business.

I’d wait until after he gets his boner back before addressing the foreplay stuff. If you’ve had “GREAT” sex in the past, fixing his dysfunction might solve all of your woes. It could be that he’s in a rush to take advantage of the few minutes he stays hard, you know? Or it could be that he’s a selfish asshole, but it’ll be easier to call him out on that once things are in working order.

Dear Jane,

I have a very good friend getting married in a few weeks and haven’t landed on what the proper etiquette is for this situation. My boyfriend and I are spending thousands to fly to Europe for her wedding. I participated in the bachelorette (across the country), and though I am looking forward to this destination wedding, I’m not sure what gift to give. I typically give cold hard cash, but it feels gauche to be giving my friend — who I am spending so much on — well, money.

She has said she doesn’t expect a gift, but that doesn’t feel right either. Compared to some of her other bridesmaids, I’d say I’m the most budget-conscious. I’ve been saving for this wedding for a year and just can’t figure out what is appropriate for a wedding I’ve already invested a lot in. What thoughtful but under $100 thing can I do? Should I just write this off as the cost of a wedding and give money? Am I being cheap?

Thanks,

Bridesmaid on a Budget

Dear BOAB:

Make them something. I mean, I hate them so I’d make them a bag of my own vomit, but you still like them for some reason so you should go to Jo Ann’s and get a cute little piece of wood and some paint for $10 and draw a heart on it or some shit. They probably even have a ready-made canvas there with “Happily Ever After” written on it for you to color in. Also, download the Jo Ann’s app and I promise you there will be a 40 percent off coupon waiting for you in there. Now you’re only spending one million and six bucks on these short-sighted megalomaniacs. I can’t wait for their second weddings!

Have a question for Jane? Email her at dearjane@jezebel.com. Please change names and identifying info; this advice column unfortunately is not aimed at destroying lives.