How Are Your Poops?

Image via Shutterstock.
Image via Shutterstock.

Nothing matters right now, so I’m going to tell you about my poops. I never really aspired to write about my butthole, but here we are, living in one.

Right now, my poops are bad. Around the time we realized Donald Trump was about to be elected President of the United States, I nearly shit my pants on Facebook Live. I pooped, from some combination of stress and fear and a weird salad, around 10 times that day. Three days later, the poops have slowed, but between you and me, they are still coming. My body, literally unable to process the steaming dump my fellow white folks have taken on the planet, has been passionately focused on cleaning out my insides. I’ve lost five pounds.

This is, of course, anecdotal, but I’ve heard from several friends and unnamed colleagues that they are having similar experiences right now, causing me to wonder if this is a common problem. Have your poops been really bad since Tuesday? Or are you, as one colleague put it, “having the opposite problem”?


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Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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brick frog

This is very timely.

I had a medical procedure last week and was warned that I may experience some slight constipation for up to ten days. Just now (like ten days later down to the hour) I took the hugest, quickest, most painful dump of my life. It was violent.

I was afraid to look in the toilet, because I was pretty sure it was just going to be like apple cores and fish bones and old newspapers and shit.