When Rihanna sang “Didn’t they tell you I was a savage,” none of us knew that she was really talking about the Los Angeles Metro and their new series of hilariously horrifying safety videos.
Inspired by the Melbourne Metro’s 2012 “Dumb Ways to Die” video, the series of safety announcements (via Sam Escobar) posit such important conundrums as “Careful or crushed?,” “Dismount or dismembered?” and “Mindful or mangled?” Really makes you think.
Each video begins the same way: “It’s a beautiful day in Safetyville,” a pleasant female voice says in a tone that later feels like icy ridicule. Little does the viewer know that seconds later they will be watching some poor animated figured being mangled, crushed or beheaded due to their own stupid carelessness.
To add insult to the literal injuries, each victim is given an entire backstory so we can get a full picture of their untimely demise.
Take Joan—she’s just catching up on her friend’s social media posts. Too bad Joan’s interest in her friend’s lives results in her being pummeled by an oncoming train. And for Joan’s absentmindedness, all she gets is a glance down by her fellow passenger as he steps over her dismembered limbs with a sort of condescension that suggests stupid-ass Joan should have known better.
Have you met José? Well you never will now because José has been impaled by a telephone pole. “Uh oh, it looks like Jose’s career took a different path,” the woman chirps. I MEAN, THAT IS SOME STONE COLD SHIT.
Meet Jack, who is sipping on his morning coffee like a fucking fool because little does he know that cup of coffee is going to cost him his life. “Uh oh, looks like Jack took quite a spill,” the narrator mocks as Jack is beheaded. Yep, oops, there goes his head.
I get that these videos are meant to help riders stay safe, but for a method of transportation that already doesn’t get much use in Los Angeles, I’m not sure this is encouraging!
According to the Los Angeles Metro, two more videos are on the way, so, yay. You can watch the rest of their chipper accident videos here.