Ohhhh no. Oh no oh no oh no. I would love to live in a world where this did not exist, some kind of alterna-universe where Madonna had people in her life who felt comfortable telling her hard truths, but there’s no escaping it—Madonna, who has already been depressing the hell out of me lately, did a stand-up routine on Fallon last night.

It was not good, okay? “I’m kind of a closet comedian,” she began, before shuffle-running up to the microphone with the pantsless bravado of a sassy four-year-old. Several gaping silences, mentions of Warhols and Picassos hanging in her “withdrawing” room, and one actual, horrifying “No, it’s funny, get it?” later, I am curled up in a ball under my table. I am writing this post from underneath my kitchen table.


In case you need a palate cleanser (we all do), here’s Madonna and The Roots singing “Holiday” with toy instruments.